Someone sent this to me today

You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t get better; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face…. Wendy Feireisen

So true!!

Yesterday, I went to help a friend to pack her apartment, We had a lot of fun and to be honest it did not feel like work. When we got to her new house, I saw how happy she was, when she looked around and saw her new furniture, and the brand new paint job. I gave her two thumbs up. I was really happy for her. It was coming along very nicely. Afterward we went to lunch and later a very small shopping spree in wal-mart, and Ice cream at sonic 20 minuets before they closed, and we sat there forty minuets after they closed.
I did not wake up till almost noon today.

About the walmart trip, We there to buy hangers, target had a pack of 18 for 2 bucks, Wally had them for 1.97. So I was all ready to buy more, because i needed more, Then all of sudden I remembered I did not need any. Why? because I took all of Nards clothes out of the closet so now I have plenty of them. Any way back to the store, she ask me how many was I getting, I told her none, because I had removed his clothes. I thought she was going to cry, She says I say it so easy. She does not know how I do it. I guess I am accepting all of this.
Well, that is what the grief therapist says anyway.

I woke up to feeling guilty, Feeling guilty because I had fun yesterday and Nard was not home when I got home this morning. I did have a dream he and I were on the phone talking. But I do not remember what we talked about. So I feel bad about that.

I wish I did not see everything in black or white, Right or wrong, left or Right.
But According to the the movie The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg sees everything in black and white, (Well this is the impression I get). Mark you are more than welcome to correct me, IMHO the movie did not put you in such a bad light. If you are as smart, and confidant as the movie portrays you then I think that is good. You took every challenge to improve yourself.
Sorry, I got off track..

I wish this was easy. The words use to just trickle from my brain to my fingers, Not any more. I find my self searching for what to say. Hate that!

Future plans, School; I will not be starting to next year fall, in the meantime I will have my knee surgery something this is needed badly. I was going to do girl scouts this year, But with the surgery this will not be impossible.

Today, I need to clean up, since my doctor but me on a new med, that gives me lots of energy. First my room and my bath. Next, the living room and kitchen, After that the garage; Which is a mess BTW.
Crap word count 542.

Nothing really

Last night was weird…

So I had cooked dinner, washed all the dishes, and sat down to a bowl of brownie blast choc. Ice cream. I was sitting in the living room watching tv. I kept looking out of the window. Then it hit me… Hey, he is not coming home from work. I shocked myself back into reality. So I ate my ice cream, shut my house down and went to bed. I did not cry. I guess it had been dancing around in my head for a while.

In other news
Today I went to grief therapy, I guess I am doing ok. She says I am. The kids started today also. I do not know what they are talking about. The kids have their right to speak freely, and know it stays in that room.
Life is moving on, I just take it daily, and do not expect anything else.
School starts soon, well in a few weeks. I am not sure what I am going to do with my time. I guess I need to start looking at a school catalog, I do need to have my surgery on my knee, Been putting that off for a while.

Last night

Last night, Corky, started barking, it was late, kinda odd. Then i thought the last time he did that for no reason, that night as I was falling asleep, Nard climbed into bed with me. So last night I was watching some movie on tv that Nard and I had wanted to see when it was out in the movies. So I sat up in bed, and he and I watched the movie. I know he was there. I ended not watching the whole movie, But when I went to sleep i felt so safe. Not like the other times when I go to sleep in a medicated induced state.

Yea I know I am nuts.

This week the kids start grief therapy, well tomorrow they start.

Now the dog is barking for no earthy reason….

Losing Faith

Today, is just not a good day. My reality is kicking in and I am just having a hard time dealing with it. I have been told many time directly and indirectly that I just have to keep my faith and lean on god. To be honest two of my friend on facebook posted just that. I am trying, I really am… I know things will happen in time.

Last week I told myself I would keep in mind what I have to be thankful for, and remind myself of this daily I think If I had done this, I may not feel so bad today.

I have a loving supporting family, I have wonderful loving supporting friends. They are healthy, I am healthy. I could be in a worse place, But I am not. My kids are great.

BUT
I miss my husband, a good friend of mines told me the shock is wearing off, and It is hitting me that he will not be coming back. He was larger than life, and he died, and I do not think it is fair.

I want to do so much, But it is just not working out. it is just depressing.. So much for the summer full of sun and sand.

Sucks.

Can someone just tell me how to keep the faith?

A tree

There is a tree that was planted on the side of the house, I always thought it was a odd place for it, Nard thought so also, and wanted to move it. A few days after he died I had my brother in law replant the tree in my back yard. All the leaves turned brown and died. I thought I lost the tree.. Yesterday I looked, and the branches were full of green leaves.
I am not sure how big this tree will get, But I have decided to build a memorial garden around it.

I want to cook some food on the grill, But I am afraid to use it. The wheel needs to be fixed on it, But I am afraid to called his cousin and ask him to fix it. I feel so out of sorts, I just do not know what to do with myself. There was always something we can do, Now there is nothing.
Rant over

Heart breaking news

First I will like extend my deepest thoughts, prayers and condolences to my good friend Carla who lost her husband yesterday to Lung cancer, He fought this battle for 1 year, and sadly shy of his 42 birthday. This is heartbreaking. truly heartbreaking.

Yesterday I went to see the Hospice grief person, She was very nice. It really helped to talk about some things. Funny I thought I was doing good, But it looks like I have some stuff to work out. So I will be seeing her every week till I guess I am better.

In other news, I have started making plans to start a job. Today finished the last of my training, I will be going to the official job search to land a “Stay at home job” Do not planing on making a boatload of money, just enough to get by.
I sure hope this works out, Right now I am waiting for the results of my final exam.. Need a 84 to pass. Pretty sure I got more than that. But you never know.

Did I forget to say it is HOT here.. Heat index of 110 today.. I will be staying in the house today.

Closet

Today my sisters and I will be emptying my husbands closet.

let me say I was grateful when they offered to help.

This feels like the day when I had to view his body. I did not want to get up that morning, I do not want to go in the closet.. BUT it is too painful to walk in there and see his clothes. It is almost like living a lie, his clothes are there so he must be coming home.

But he is not.

The good thing is it will go pretty fast, the hardest part will be taking his stuff to the garage and leaving them there.
Kinda sucks that a persons life can just be packed away.
Now that I am thinking I need to get all of his papers and put them away also..
Funny the need for STUFF is so dumb, because when you die, No one really wants it and it gets packed away to be forgotten.

Anyway, Let me eat something.