Someone sent this to me today

You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t get better; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face…. Wendy Feireisen

So true!!

Yesterday, I went to help a friend to pack her apartment, We had a lot of fun and to be honest it did not feel like work. When we got to her new house, I saw how happy she was, when she looked around and saw her new furniture, and the brand new paint job. I gave her two thumbs up. I was really happy for her. It was coming along very nicely. Afterward we went to lunch and later a very small shopping spree in wal-mart, and Ice cream at sonic 20 minuets before they closed, and we sat there forty minuets after they closed.
I did not wake up till almost noon today.

About the walmart trip, We there to buy hangers, target had a pack of 18 for 2 bucks, Wally had them for 1.97. So I was all ready to buy more, because i needed more, Then all of sudden I remembered I did not need any. Why? because I took all of Nards clothes out of the closet so now I have plenty of them. Any way back to the store, she ask me how many was I getting, I told her none, because I had removed his clothes. I thought she was going to cry, She says I say it so easy. She does not know how I do it. I guess I am accepting all of this.
Well, that is what the grief therapist says anyway.

I woke up to feeling guilty, Feeling guilty because I had fun yesterday and Nard was not home when I got home this morning. I did have a dream he and I were on the phone talking. But I do not remember what we talked about. So I feel bad about that.

I wish I did not see everything in black or white, Right or wrong, left or Right.
But According to the the movie The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg sees everything in black and white, (Well this is the impression I get). Mark you are more than welcome to correct me, IMHO the movie did not put you in such a bad light. If you are as smart, and confidant as the movie portrays you then I think that is good. You took every challenge to improve yourself.
Sorry, I got off track..

I wish this was easy. The words use to just trickle from my brain to my fingers, Not any more. I find my self searching for what to say. Hate that!

Future plans, School; I will not be starting to next year fall, in the meantime I will have my knee surgery something this is needed badly. I was going to do girl scouts this year, But with the surgery this will not be impossible.

Today, I need to clean up, since my doctor but me on a new med, that gives me lots of energy. First my room and my bath. Next, the living room and kitchen, After that the garage; Which is a mess BTW.
Crap word count 542.

Nothing really

Last night was weird…

So I had cooked dinner, washed all the dishes, and sat down to a bowl of brownie blast choc. Ice cream. I was sitting in the living room watching tv. I kept looking out of the window. Then it hit me… Hey, he is not coming home from work. I shocked myself back into reality. So I ate my ice cream, shut my house down and went to bed. I did not cry. I guess it had been dancing around in my head for a while.

In other news
Today I went to grief therapy, I guess I am doing ok. She says I am. The kids started today also. I do not know what they are talking about. The kids have their right to speak freely, and know it stays in that room.
Life is moving on, I just take it daily, and do not expect anything else.
School starts soon, well in a few weeks. I am not sure what I am going to do with my time. I guess I need to start looking at a school catalog, I do need to have my surgery on my knee, Been putting that off for a while.

Last night

Last night, Corky, started barking, it was late, kinda odd. Then i thought the last time he did that for no reason, that night as I was falling asleep, Nard climbed into bed with me. So last night I was watching some movie on tv that Nard and I had wanted to see when it was out in the movies. So I sat up in bed, and he and I watched the movie. I know he was there. I ended not watching the whole movie, But when I went to sleep i felt so safe. Not like the other times when I go to sleep in a medicated induced state.

Yea I know I am nuts.

This week the kids start grief therapy, well tomorrow they start.

Now the dog is barking for no earthy reason….

Losing Faith

Today, is just not a good day. My reality is kicking in and I am just having a hard time dealing with it. I have been told many time directly and indirectly that I just have to keep my faith and lean on god. To be honest two of my friend on facebook posted just that. I am trying, I really am… I know things will happen in time.

Last week I told myself I would keep in mind what I have to be thankful for, and remind myself of this daily I think If I had done this, I may not feel so bad today.

I have a loving supporting family, I have wonderful loving supporting friends. They are healthy, I am healthy. I could be in a worse place, But I am not. My kids are great.

BUT
I miss my husband, a good friend of mines told me the shock is wearing off, and It is hitting me that he will not be coming back. He was larger than life, and he died, and I do not think it is fair.

I want to do so much, But it is just not working out. it is just depressing.. So much for the summer full of sun and sand.

Sucks.

Can someone just tell me how to keep the faith?

A tree

There is a tree that was planted on the side of the house, I always thought it was a odd place for it, Nard thought so also, and wanted to move it. A few days after he died I had my brother in law replant the tree in my back yard. All the leaves turned brown and died. I thought I lost the tree.. Yesterday I looked, and the branches were full of green leaves.
I am not sure how big this tree will get, But I have decided to build a memorial garden around it.

I want to cook some food on the grill, But I am afraid to use it. The wheel needs to be fixed on it, But I am afraid to called his cousin and ask him to fix it. I feel so out of sorts, I just do not know what to do with myself. There was always something we can do, Now there is nothing.
Rant over

Heart breaking news

First I will like extend my deepest thoughts, prayers and condolences to my good friend Carla who lost her husband yesterday to Lung cancer, He fought this battle for 1 year, and sadly shy of his 42 birthday. This is heartbreaking. truly heartbreaking.

Yesterday I went to see the Hospice grief person, She was very nice. It really helped to talk about some things. Funny I thought I was doing good, But it looks like I have some stuff to work out. So I will be seeing her every week till I guess I am better.

In other news, I have started making plans to start a job. Today finished the last of my training, I will be going to the official job search to land a “Stay at home job” Do not planing on making a boatload of money, just enough to get by.
I sure hope this works out, Right now I am waiting for the results of my final exam.. Need a 84 to pass. Pretty sure I got more than that. But you never know.

Did I forget to say it is HOT here.. Heat index of 110 today.. I will be staying in the house today.

Closet

Today my sisters and I will be emptying my husbands closet.

let me say I was grateful when they offered to help.

This feels like the day when I had to view his body. I did not want to get up that morning, I do not want to go in the closet.. BUT it is too painful to walk in there and see his clothes. It is almost like living a lie, his clothes are there so he must be coming home.

But he is not.

The good thing is it will go pretty fast, the hardest part will be taking his stuff to the garage and leaving them there.
Kinda sucks that a persons life can just be packed away.
Now that I am thinking I need to get all of his papers and put them away also..
Funny the need for STUFF is so dumb, because when you die, No one really wants it and it gets packed away to be forgotten.

Anyway, Let me eat something.

What happens after the 4th of july weekend?

I had a good forth of July at my sister in law’s. I have not seen her since mother day, which was the day after my husband funeral. Bad thing we were sitting in the yard now I am itching from all the bug bites I got.

Rant time

Well, After sitting in the social security office for over 4 hours last week to get them to pay the benefits I am owed, Of course they STILL have not paid. I just do not know what to do. Calling them does no good, Perhaps I am just being inpatient.

The insurance company, these people have some issues, I called them a few days ago, the CSR told me to call back Friday to see if the needed paper work is sitting in their office from their vendor. Then she told me she would send a a detailed email to her supervisor since this claim been pending since May; And the fault is with their vendor and no one else. I have NO faith that anything will be done. But I will call back, raise a bit of sand, but still be polite.

Gezz, I am so damn tired of being polite.

Rant over… In other news

I have made ZERO progress in the house, Not sure why. Now it is clean, But I really need to de-clutter some drawers in the kitchen. I have a few bins that need to emptied (the crap been in there since we moved in the house in 2010) I do not need it so I am throwing it all away. I need the bins for what?? Pack some more stuff in, Well my husbands stuff. So since I cannot really leave the house because any money I do have are going to bills, I really cannot go anywhere. I am going to get his things packed up, and de-clutter. A friend and my nieces told me I need to keep my faith, and lean on god. So I am going to TRY and do this. I just have to stop the pity party, and just do what I need to do. BUT It is hard to go from “We” to “Me”, (thank you Lelar) This is no longer our room, but my room, Our bathroom to MY bathroom. Even his wallet is not really his anymore. My mom told me one day in a response to some complaining I was doing, “You will miss your husband” She was right.

Lauryn been having headaches a lot, I need to make her a doctors appt. today, BTW, need to make one for myself. Lauryn is doing really good, Her cleaning skills have improved. She has a few friends, and she loves her dog. I think her dad knew she would need that dog. My oldest is here for the summer, doing what 20 year old do. I cannot complain he is a good kid.

Ah… I think I will be starting a new job soon, It is through Social security. I will be working from home 20 hours a week. A bit extra is never bad..
Gosh.. As I been typing all the above I got a major taste for zaxbys sweet ans spicy sandwich, It is really good.

This will be my first automatic post to facebook, I welcome all of my facebook family and friends. Please feel free to comment, if you have never posted it will tell you I will have to approve the post first, Since I have a free account, I cannot turn this setting off, But be assured I will approve your post, AND any time you post after the first will not need my approval and will post automatically. So please do not put anything you do not want the world wide web to see. I also welcome you to subscribe, if you will like to have first shot to my rants and ravings. Also I will often use you name in my post, If you do not want be to this, Please let me know.

Be good to yourselves. Have a good weekend

Well a Turn around

Well after not having ANYTHING to do, It turns out I have plans. On the 4th I will spending it with Nards sister and her family. Saturday I will be going to a party at my sister house for a party for my niece. So Sunday I will rest.

Today was a good day…. I spent the day sitting in the social security office, They messed up the payment, so I had to get it sorted out. I did, I could have been rude and nasty sitting there for FOUR hours, But I was not, I was still nice and polite, and I got my payment processed today should be in my account next week.

I did some food shopping went to zaxbys for dinner, tried their new sandwich some type of sweet and spicy thing, Tasted really good. Now I am sitting in Nard’s chair typing this.

I really miss him, I wish he was still here raising hell about one thing or the other. Funny I do not think he is going to walk in the door anymore, I think I am getting to the point where I am getting use to him being gone.

A few friends and I are in the early stages of starting a Non-profit, To help find a place for unused cancer drugs. Not all cancer drugs are giving in IV form, many people take pill chemo drugs, and some do not work for them. Or even worse they die. Some chemo drugs cost up to 4k a month, and a lot of it is just destroyed. It is a waste; So we are planning on doing something about it.

Perhaps this is my calling.