Rain…..

I love this picture, My understanding is that although it looks like cardboard, it is really metal made to look like cardboard. I really would love to give credit for it, But I have no clue who created it.

Today we are having some rain bands from some hurricane, (I forget it name). So it has been cloudy and overcast all day. Today was also the first day of school. After dropping Taylor off to school, I said to myself it is cool, overcast a perfect time to get some yard work done. I came home to put the bags of mulch that had been sitting in my garage for about 2 months and dumped them in the beds around the house. This turned into me cleaning out the garage. I had a rickety shelf that I took apart threw it in the trash. I picked up a lot of trash and started to sweep. Ah.. Did some bug spraying also. By now I am sweating so I grab a standing fan and turned it on. Then at that moment I just started crying. I looked at the things that I have no idea how to use and a few I can. Drills, tools, this charging center, that will charge cell phones and other things if the power goes out. So now I am sweating, and crying just looking like crazy to anyone who walked by.

Not sure why that happened. I guess I just needed to cry.

My life is so unsettled, I see other women I know making leaps and bounds in widowhood, and I just feel stuck. Even my kids are doing so well. Feels like I am standing still and everything  around me is moving very fast. It is jut a blur.

O.K. Perhaps that is not all true, I have made an effort to be active in life, I have done some  shopping, decided to pay more attention to my appearance. But at the end of the day, I am left with my thoughts. 

Still a work in progress.

 

“The year of f…

“The year of first”

To a lot of people will have no clue what this means, But to a widow it mean a lot. What does it mean? It is the first 365 days after a loved ones death. Birthday’s and holidays being the worst. Keep in mind this term can apply to any person who has suffered a lost of a loved one. I went through my firsts very early on, I thought it would be easier to handle. I was wrong.  At almost 18 months out I still do not look forward to the holidays, birthdays, my daughter’s first day of the 8th grade. Or my son’s pending college graduation. Another first was his family had their family reunion that was held few weekends ago. This was the first one held after he died, The first one he was not there. Needless to say it was different, oddly quiet.But It felt good to be around his family, I can look at them and see parts of him in all of them. When I got home something had changed in me. 

I had spent so much time focusing on his death, that I forgot he had lived for 49 years before cancer and before he died. That he and I spent over a decade together and shared the good, the bad and the ugly. The fact that we brought out the best and worse in each other. At the end of the day I picked him as my life partner and he did the same for me. So I made a choice to try to remember they good times. A few days after I got home, I pulled out our wedding rings. I had not seen them in over a year. As I put them on my finger; I thought about the day we got married. The day we brought our house and the day he completed his CDL training, He was proud of him self. It was something he always wanted to do. He was a truck driver, and loved doing it. I smiled as I looked at my rings on my finger. Right then I made the choice to leave them on. They did not make me sad like they did after his death. But they made me smile and think about all the good times. The truth is every milestone in our family’s life for now on will be a first, Another one that he is not there.

But I have to keep telling myself that there are a lot of happy days ahead.

Damn!

Hello, I know I have not posted in a while. It was a very slow spring, and even a slower hot summer. I have watched a lot of read a ton of books, watched a lot of netflex mostly countless re runs of sex in the city, and sex in the city 2. Well it is official I do not have a life.

Well back to the weather. Today I was in my closet, getting ready for southeast Georgia’s version of winter. I pulled out a bunch of long sleeve shirts to re wash or freshen them up. I have a few jackets that need to dry cleaned. Then it hit me; “Gosh, Nard has a few jackets that I put away, let me see if I could fit them”. So I ran across the hall to get them. Turns out there was only two of them but whatever. Once I got back in our room; I started trying them on, nice fit good. Then I walked in our closet and hung them up. Then I started moving some things around; pocketbooks on shelves, wallets here, shoes there. Then I looked around feeling very satisfied with my self. Then all of a sudden a sadness came over me; I looked at my things on his side of the closet. I looked my things all of over the closet. For years there was always his stuff and my stuff, we split the closet down the middle. No more.

Damn….