Well as I type, It is 2:14am. I cannot sleep. As always nighttime is always the hardest time of the day for me. A close second is the thirty seconds after I wake up and find myself in the same nightmare I have been in for the past seven months. Never in my life would I have thought this would still hurt so bad. His things are still packed away and sitting in the garage. There are TONS of memories, But my fear is I may one day forget them as there is nothing that memorialize them. No wedding pictures, no vacation pictures and no just because pictures. I wish I had a real wedding or reception. I really miss him in spite of what we looked to everyone on the outside, we really did love each other. I now feel he may have love me more. I just feel we spent so much time trying to get the last word, I regret this.
As I look around my home I slowly see the few traces of my husband slowly disappear. the clothes which he took lots of pride in his appearance are no longer in our closet. Now it seems very empty in spite of my attempts to make it full. The bathroom that was ALWAYS full of his things all over the counter are all gone because he refused to put them under the sink, I replaced it with a plant. The hair clipping that were EVERYWHERE, will never be there again. His socks that for some reason he NEVER put in the hamper, are no longer all over the house. To be honest I gave up of trying to fill the void, there is no reason to try any more. It will not take away my loneliness, or the fact that I feel robbed and the fact that JUST when were reaching all of our goals he dies. I hate being alone with my thoughts. It forces me to see my reality, the reality that I really try so hard not to harp on, or use as a crutch. He is dead and I cannot call him to argue, to fuss, to give him the evil eye when he walks through the door. I cannot even beg him to come back. Bottom line he will not.
For years I use to beg him to take pictures of himself; He would never do it. Now, what I have are the pictures that were provided by hospice. It reminds me of a husband who was slipping away. I am very much grateful for this because I know he only did this for me. It breaks my heart that I have very few as him healthy. Our daughter as one that she had “stolen” we were at wild adventures waiting in line. I called him to look in our direction and she took a picture. The funny thing is he was not happy about it, but the best thing is the picture showed the person he was. She now has that picture in a frame in her room. That is awesome!
Today I done something I have never done before, I sprayed his cologne in our room. Lord this man would overdo with it, and I never was to crazy about it but I needed to smell him again. As I lay in bed I can still smell it as it lingers in the air, it was the sent our room always was. It is almost like he is here; But I understand my reality, as painful as it is.
When I think about the 12 years I spent with him, I cannot help to think that all the fussing we did was so dumb. I understand that just was our dynamic. He hated ceiling fans, dishwashers, and sweet smells and wasted no time telling me so, oddly enough it was the few things I could not live without. I hated loud music, crowds, and I am somewhat inverted even around people I know. My husband was loud, cussed and often talked over all the loud music he was playing. (insert chuckle here) He loved his family and friends and loved being around them. I am and very liberal left wing democratic, where was a very conservative southern democratic. Many of our battles were about values, moral issues, the importance of religion and the “wants” vs the “needs” for ourselves and other people. Very odd that we were so different, so much in love. We spent so much time trying to get the last word. When we should been telling each other how much we cared for each other. On the other side we always took care of each other. We always took care of each other. One thing I know is he fully trusted me, and I him. I knew that no mater what he ALWAYS had my back, and I had his. The last words he said to me before he died was to get a wheelchair because he knew he was about to collapse. Even then he was looking out for me, My heart breaks as I type this.
My husband in a nutshell drove me nuts, But it does not not take away that I really did love him. It really miss him so much. I wish he was here. But my reality is that he will not be coming back. He is here with me in spirit and I have learned so much from him..