Off the beaten path.. a little bit

This week we all morn the loss of Actor, comedian Robin Williams. I have to say I cried like a baby when I found out he took his life. This brought back a lot of feeling of loss, and also triggered a lot of issues with my own mental illness.

The choice to take your life is no small one, You are in the darkest place, you tell yourself that the issues and problems that you are dealing with are much larger than the family who loves you, and who will briefly grieve your loss. Sadly, You have already told yourself that your family is really better off with out you and all of your crap. At this point the only thing left to do is getting up the strength to just do it. That is hardest part, not because you do not have a plan ( You already do) You just have to take a deep breath and DO IT..

 

Lets say I never want to be there, I am not sure with all my loss that I will be able to come out alive in the end. But I am always thinking positive.

But if you every find yourself not wanting to live, I do ask that you reach out. In the United States Please call the National Suicide prevention Hotline @ 1-800-273-8255

In the U.K Samaritans

Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK – local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI – local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)

 

O Captain, my Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, ‘O Captain my Captain’.”

RIP Mr Williams… You are missed…

The Dating widow???

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This is how I have been feeling in the past few weeks. I have been taking on life and running with it. I think widowhood has not been easy but I have been moving forward. I found a nice house to rent and have settled in. My son is almost done with college my daughter is starting her 2nd year of high school. I am still working, in school enjoying my friends and family. I am just in a good place right now.

I have made the choice not to date.. This choice was made mostly from a conversion I had with my husband before he died and I do not want to date. Right now a man, dating and sex is not  a part of the plan that is my life now. I think I spend my whole life trying to find a boyfriend, husband what ever. I think some alone time is just the best thing for me. I am sure this makes my husband happy, I really do not have a reason not to honor it.

So I close this, as I get ready for work..

My thoughts on year three

Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.

Things I have done..

1- Sold the house

2- Moved twice

3- Smiled and laughed.

4- Got a job

I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.

Still growing!

This morning

I went to the store early to pick up a few things for the week. I plan on spending this week packing up the house. My 14 year old wanted to eat some waffles form the waffle house. SO  I went to their for a take out. That is when I saw them….

A couple in their 50’s For some reason they looked like us.. The were sitting in a booth talking while the ate, Once in a while one of them would look at their cell phone and tell the other what message they got. Trying not to stare (or cry) I watched the women walk past me and gave me a big smile. Her husband paid the bill, and walked toward the rest rooms behind his wife. I could not help but to notice how he built like my husband. Skinny legs, but broad shoulders, and large chest.  As they were leaving the both smiled at me and said good morning. They soon left and I saw they were local.. I just really feel alone right now. This also makes it hard to just move forward.

Call me odd

Strange events the past few dayss

Let go back!

My husband job often had him working overnights. For a lot of those nights I was awake, I could not sleep when he was not home and driving that truck. I would call and text him and he would always ask how come you are not sleeping? I just could not sleep. Although he never said I think he worried about that.

The past few nights I have been having dreams that my husband and I had broken up, He was not calling me, and when I tried to call him I could not. I was very distressed in my dreams, I was very upset.

The thought that he may be pulling away from me, or me him is breaking my heart. I am not ready to move on. The idea that he is not my husband or me his wife is upsetting to me.

But then the dog started acting strange…

Night before last, the dog as on my bed watching my bathroom. Ears in alert, would run in and braking at “something”. It was so odd. The house felt strange, I made up my mind it was my husband. He was in the house with me. That night I went to sleep with my hand on his side of the bed, I stayed that way all night.

Last night, Dog was barking at 1:30 last night. No reason.. Dog been acting cooky more than usual.

I am thinking my dreams are just from me selling the house. I have been saying out loud that I hope he comes with us when we move. I know where ever I am he will be.

But then I have no clue. I just do wish he was here so I can ask him myself and get an answer.

MOVING!

It has a very difficult few months. My loneliness has been really intense. Things have also not been working out the way I want them to. So after much thought I have made some choices…

Yep! Selling the house and I am moving to a smaller place. This was a very difficult choice to make but it is the correct one. I marched right in to the office paid my app fee, and now I will be moving in my new home June 21st. I will be having a yard sale the next few weekends to get rid of some of the things that I will not be able to take to the new place. Anything left will be sent to goodwill.

Old house is almost 3 thousand square feet. I am moving to 1,300 square feet apartment.

Going to be busy!!

It will break my heart to leave the house my husband and I built together… But it is time to move on. No mater where I go, it will always be our home.

Count down!

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This is my mood for this month, It is almost like a count down to an impending blast. Just not a good feeling at all. I spend a lot of time on the phone talking because I just do not want to be alone with my thoughts. I am keeping busy for the same reason. Going to sleep is the worse part for me. I am forced to be alone in the dark and all my demons remind me of the day my life took a change that will effect me for the rest of my life. After all this time my life still feels “unsettled”.

But!! There have been victories. I have made it to a point that I can leave the house and not feel the need to get back home. The urge to put the things he only ate in the shopping cart went away. The house looks like he has never lived here. I kinda put my own fingerprint on it.

Funny thing, I use to always complain that he never took pictures. But in the mist of getting rid of things I am finding so many pictures of him. You see no grey hairs in some and some in others. Some extra pounds in a few. Bright smiles and some “You better not be taking this picture of me” pictures. I feel some guilt because I took our life together for granted. Mostly because I thought it would never end, that we would have at least another 20 – 30 years together you know that growing old together stuff. I can see it now;  me fussing about him eating to much ice cream and it not being good for his diabetes, and he telling me that he may have diabetes, but he does not have high blood pressure and I did.

But life did not work out that way.