Hospice

Four years ago today I took my husband to the cancer center. It was cold, there was a 2 hour school delay because the roads had ice on them. I can remember thinking “Today we start Chemo; Yes the cancer is spreading, But today we start chemo. But the other side of my brain was thinking… Damn! the cancer is spreading fast; We really need to start chemo today. I looked over at my husband while he was somewhat sleep on his pain pills we had got at the ER a few nights before. I checked my rear view as our 6th grader played music from her phone.

When I got the center I pulled up got a wheelchair from the lobby and helped my husband out of the car. He was wearing pajama pants, because he was to tired to get dressed that morning. I pulled his O2 tank out, and helped him to the chair, wheeled him in to be checked in.

I did not know his team was already in a meeting, The results form the ER visit a few days before sitting on a table while the team discussed the fate of my husband… I guess I should have figured it out when the tiny exam room was filled with people all exchanging words, and we were waiting for the head of the team to enter the room…..

When he ( The doctor) did  enter the room the social worker was staring at me. I really should have known……

After a few questions about how he was feeling, why was he in the wheelchair? The doctor said ” I am Sorry, I think we need to call Hospice in. I took a sip of ginger ale, looked up and saw the social worker and burst into tears…

I think that day I felt defeated, Everything I was doing, all the phone calls, planning everything changed in one sentence. HE was going to die, I knew that for sure, there was no question about it. So I just got to sit by and watch it happen..

A fellow widow spoke about the landscape and what she saw when she closed her eyes. She posted a black and picture of what I can describe as flatland. For me that day I saw a city on fire being destroyed.

Upside…..

The four months my husband was in Hospice was the best of all of our years together. I have very little regrets, I guess I could wish I had more time. I did question why did this happen to me, I was angry at god for a long time. But as the years has passed I figured out I really did not have the right to question why things happened the way it did. I guess the key is to try to find the lesson in all that happened.

My Lesson…

I take nothing for granted. Life is different for me now. I am dating and great guy now, My landscape now….. Country lots of green grass tall blowing in the wind, white fence with a house in the background.

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