Stronger than I thought.

I love this picture. There is just something about it that speaks to me and everything I have been through. I have been reading a book called ” Widows wear Stilettos” by Carole Body Fleet. It is kinda of a step by step workbook of dealing with being a young widow. I have found it is one of the best books I have read on widowhood. Like the picture above ;it speaks to me.

I always thought I had accepted that my husband is gone a long time ago; I was wrong. I really have not, this is a fact that really breaks my heart. But I am getting there; Slowly very slowly. But I will be positive about the outcome.

Last week was Thanksgiving; I spent the day cooking and eating. I have chilled out on home decor for a while; working on cleaning the carpets and putting up the Christmas tree. After the holidays I will pick up where I started. Spring cleaning in January.

Well as you can see it has been a slow week.

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New changes

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Well I have been in the process of fixing up the house; Well decorating is the word I should use. Working on the downstairs was first on my agenda. Here is the finish product of my chalk board in my kitchen.

                                                                                                                      

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Pay no mind to the stuff on the counter top. I thought I had a picture of compete finished results but this is really close. So I have this whole cafe theme going on that flows in the dining room and the living room. I will not have coffee cups in the living room; But I am carrying the colors there. As I told my sister I want to look like the TV show “Friends” coffee house ” Central Perk”. Since I have a coffee table , I may as well make the best of it.

In case you have not noticed I have not said anything about the picture of that bed. That is my bed, well almost. My bed has more detail in the headboard and foot board.  But in a nut shell that is it. I found this picture online and I love it. The colors are perfect, So this what my room will look like. If I move my dresser I can get that sitting area in there also. But I will have to see.

I will admit I thought about moving all though I have spent money working on fixing the house up. I was having some regrets. But a friend gave me some sound advice by telling me her story so I will be staying put.

But before I run upstairs, I need to get the downstairs together first. I have some black and white pictures to hang over the the sofa. Finish up the powder room. Paint the wall behind the television.

Thanksgiving will be here in a few days, time to cook, eat and put up a tree after dinner. Funny how two holidays just blend together. Life does move on.

Have a good holiday,

                                                                                                                             

“We” to “Me”

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When I think about the past 18 months, I am shocked that I have manage not to lose my mind. There are less tears, but more days when I miss him like crazy. I feel it is less about being lonely; but trying to learn about my life without him in it. It is a scary thought. I look around my room and my stuff is everywhere. In the physical it looks like I am moving forward; but in my heart I am stuck. I just do not want to be that person who is a ” Debbie downer”. I smile and and try to to be happy.

Hope
I wish he was here, I wish when we were in bed and sometimes in the middle of the night we are holding hands. I felt safe when I was with him, even when I was ready to choke him. I wish I could have that feeling again.

Faith
Is  trying to move forward, and knowing that I will. Is knowing that one day that feeling of guilt of thinking that I could have done something and he would still be alive. The guilt of giving permission to go so he would not have to suffer any more.

So I will keep blogging, keep taking my meds. I will get use to the fact that there is no longer an “us” but ” me”.

Courage
It is finally making the choice to use paint and fix up the house.  Looking at the bare walls just drove me crazy. This process is mixed because I do not have to consult before I do anything.