I love this picture. There is just something about it that speaks to me and everything I have been through. I have been reading a book called ” Widows wear Stilettos” by Carole Body Fleet. It is kinda of a step by step workbook of dealing with being a young widow. I have found it is one of the best books I have read on widowhood. Like the picture above ;it speaks to me.
I always thought I had accepted that my husband is gone a long time ago; I was wrong. I really have not, this is a fact that really breaks my heart. But I am getting there; Slowly very slowly. But I will be positive about the outcome.
Last week was Thanksgiving; I spent the day cooking and eating. I have chilled out on home decor for a while; working on cleaning the carpets and putting up the Christmas tree. After the holidays I will pick up where I started. Spring cleaning in January.
Well as you can see it has been a slow week.
Well I have been in the process of fixing up the house; Well decorating is the word I should use. Working on the downstairs was first on my agenda. Here is the finish product of my chalk board in my kitchen.
Pay no mind to the stuff on the counter top. I thought I had a picture of compete finished results but this is really close. So I have this whole cafe theme going on that flows in the dining room and the living room. I will not have coffee cups in the living room; But I am carrying the colors there. As I told my sister I want to look like the TV show “Friends” coffee house ” Central Perk”. Since I have a coffee table , I may as well make the best of it.
In case you have not noticed I have not said anything about the picture of that bed. That is my bed, well almost. My bed has more detail in the headboard and foot board. But in a nut shell that is it. I found this picture online and I love it. The colors are perfect, So this what my room will look like. If I move my dresser I can get that sitting area in there also. But I will have to see.
I will admit I thought about moving all though I have spent money working on fixing the house up. I was having some regrets. But a friend gave me some sound advice by telling me her story so I will be staying put.
But before I run upstairs, I need to get the downstairs together first. I have some black and white pictures to hang over the the sofa. Finish up the powder room. Paint the wall behind the television.
Thanksgiving will be here in a few days, time to cook, eat and put up a tree after dinner. Funny how two holidays just blend together. Life does move on.
Have a good holiday,
When I think about the past 18 months, I am shocked that I have manage not to lose my mind. There are less tears, but more days when I miss him like crazy. I feel it is less about being lonely; but trying to learn about my life without him in it. It is a scary thought. I look around my room and my stuff is everywhere. In the physical it looks like I am moving forward; but in my heart I am stuck. I just do not want to be that person who is a ” Debbie downer”. I smile and and try to to be happy.
I wish he was here, I wish when we were in bed and sometimes in the middle of the night we are holding hands. I felt safe when I was with him, even when I was ready to choke him. I wish I could have that feeling again.
Is trying to move forward, and knowing that I will. Is knowing that one day that feeling of guilt of thinking that I could have done something and he would still be alive. The guilt of giving permission to go so he would not have to suffer any more.
So I will keep blogging, keep taking my meds. I will get use to the fact that there is no longer an “us” but ” me”.
It is finally making the choice to use paint and fix up the house. Looking at the bare walls just drove me crazy. This process is mixed because I do not have to consult before I do anything.