April 29, 2013

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Two years ago today you left

No….

Two years ago you died.

@3:51 P.M

Two years ago my whole life fell apart.

This day is burned in my mind forever. This day everything that happened, I replay in my mind a thousand times. I cannot shake it..

No! I cannot shake you

Your last words to me were “you will need a wheelchair” Then you collapsed. I held you, holding on to you. As I watched your last breath leave your body. I was devastated. The thing that was living, that thing that tied us was gone and broken. I will never see, touch or feel you.

I am really trying, trying to hold it all together. But I see it all  crashing down around me, or falling like sand between my fingers.

Am I selfish because I want you back? Should I have tried to hold on to you, So I can see your body?

NO!

It would have been unfair for be to allow you to live as a shell of the man you use to be. You were in pain. You could no longer drive. No, it would have been unfair…..

But then again, you would still be here.

I guess learning to live with the fact you are a part of me is something I will have to do. You may not be here, but there is “something” here. On the nights I sleep a whole night is because that “something” is here making me feel safe.

I just hope I apply the lesson I learned from you in my life. Your achievements and even your mistakes. To carry on the goals you set for yourself.

I can do it… But I FIRST have to learn to live with my broken heart.

 

 

Pic from Kootation.com

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My “comical” dating history

So I came across this little titbit! Thought is was cute, but the message is clear.

lisa laughs

My history with love was… pretty rough. 😳

I went on a lot of first dates, crushed on unforgivable bad boys, was admired by creepy boys, admittedly broke a few hearts and indubitably HATED men/relationships by the age of 24. I even bought Greg Behrendt’s, He’s Just Not That Into You when it first came out because THAT’S how lost I was. Here are a few things I learned from my dating experience:

  • If he changes or stops doing the things he once did. This one guy would call/text me frequently throughout the day but all of a sudden, he was a no-show.
  • Oh and obviously if he disappears/forgets you, don’t be THAT girl who goes crazy wondering if he was abducted by aliens or something silly. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt because 95-99% of the time, his feelings for you disappeared & wasn’t man enough to…

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Tired

of crying
of missing you
of wishing you were here
of feeling guilty because I gave you permission to go, that I cannot look at your pictures, I wish I said more to you. That I am still here living my life.
of knowing that I my heart is broken
of knowing I cannot do anything about it
of knowing I cannot fix this
of felling like I failed you
of feeling that I was not a better wife to you
of feeling I should have fought for you more
But..

No matter what you will still be a part of me, my life is forever changed because you came into it. And that really my grief will someday get better
But for now I just want to be sad and cry and question everything I did, and feel guilty about a lot of things. That no matter what I did or said the outcome would still be the same. That you would want me to be happy and live my life. That you felt I did fight for you and you trusted me

I have accepted that I am still broken; You always put me back together. I am not sure if I can do this on my own. I just wish you were here. We were suppose to grow old and fuss at each other. But you died; not because you wanted to, because for some other reason that I guess I am not suppose to know.

There is no good place to be. No place to feel safe. Everything is in limbo, slow motion.
It is just grief.

Groundhog day

Got this title from my friend and fellow widow Sue. So why this post?

I woke up at 3:50 this morning, Why is this important? My husband died at 3:51pm. For about a month after he died I did this a lot. I am not sure why, I guess it a subconscious thing. I am coming up on the two year mark. Who knows?

A Public service annoucement/ My minimalist blog

This a post for my followers who are minimalist. When I posted to blog, I found out it was under this blog. Since you guys may not want to read the rants about some widow. But will rather reading about my road to minimalism. Please stop by and visit and follow my blog.

http://justlynne.wordpress.com/

Thanks for your support

Count down!

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This is my mood for this month, It is almost like a count down to an impending blast. Just not a good feeling at all. I spend a lot of time on the phone talking because I just do not want to be alone with my thoughts. I am keeping busy for the same reason. Going to sleep is the worse part for me. I am forced to be alone in the dark and all my demons remind me of the day my life took a change that will effect me for the rest of my life. After all this time my life still feels “unsettled”.

But!! There have been victories. I have made it to a point that I can leave the house and not feel the need to get back home. The urge to put the things he only ate in the shopping cart went away. The house looks like he has never lived here. I kinda put my own fingerprint on it.

Funny thing, I use to always complain that he never took pictures. But in the mist of getting rid of things I am finding so many pictures of him. You see no grey hairs in some and some in others. Some extra pounds in a few. Bright smiles and some “You better not be taking this picture of me” pictures. I feel some guilt because I took our life together for granted. Mostly because I thought it would never end, that we would have at least another 20 – 30 years together you know that growing old together stuff. I can see it now;  me fussing about him eating to much ice cream and it not being good for his diabetes, and he telling me that he may have diabetes, but he does not have high blood pressure and I did.

But life did not work out that way.