4th of july weekend

As of right now I have no plans. I think I will go to the beach, and perhaps cook on the grill. I just cannot sit around the house this weekend. I could do what a few fellow widows do, and cry that this will be another holiday with their spouse, But I cannot dwell. So I am going to get my hair done, and put a smile on my face and enjoy the weekend.

In thinking about the past, I got to thinking about a lot of things, here is the short list

Before I turned 30, I had told my husband I had never had a birthday party, This was because I grew up in a household that did not celebrate birthdays. He gave me a surprise birthday party.

Last year before he got sick, I had fell and busted up my knee. I could not go up the stairs. Although I begged him to go to bed, He would not leave me downstairs.

My mom told me when I had my hysterectomy, I was still “out of it” I had drool She told me my husband got a wet paper, and wiped my mouth and cleaned my face. She thought it was so touching to see him do that.

Right before my hysterectomy I was telling my husband that I was going to be on bed rest for a few weeks, and was wondering how I was going to watch t.v, Since our bed was older, and kinda low to the ground. He went out and got us a new bed and got a taller tv stand.

There are other things, one thing something Nards ex-girlfriend told me, Something he told her about me. It is very personal, I really cannot type the words yet. I just hear her voice in my mind. I will just say, I know he cared and loved me. I told this information 2 days before he passed, I tracked her down and told her he was dying, and since they had dated for 7 years, I felt she had a right to know. When I told Nard I spoke to her, I asked him if he was upset that I called her? He told me “No”

Well this morning I cleaned out our closet, I still have not started packing up his things, All of his things are hung up. One day I will get a bottle of wine ( glass optional) and pack everything up. Right now I like seeing his clothes there. I have pretty much made up my mind as to what I am going to keep, and what I will give away. It is hard to reduce a person who lived such a full life to just a few things. I know in my heart I cannot keep them all. By doing that; I will not be respecting his wishes.
I am also arranging our room, to make it “My room” Part of this process. Wanting to blog, afraid I will forgot.
Scary…

Links

For my good friend Cyn, ( or anyone else) here is the link to my house blog, it covers the groundbreaking closing till Aug 2010, when I stopped posting, But I will be adding more stuff this summer AS I have plans to start the home improvements that the we planned before he got sick.

http://movingtopooler.blogspot.com/

http://lennard-jackson.last-memories.com/

Above is the link to my husband online memorial.

Onward upward!

You may have to copy and past in your browser,, the linky will not work…

Today is an OK day, So far I have not cried, which is good. I forgot I agreed to babysit my niece who is two. So my sister was rigging my bell at 6;45 this morning.

Today I am really missing Nard, It is a strange  feeling. He is gone I get that, But I am having a hard time fully accepting that fact. I hope a lot of it is because I am lonely or if the reality that I have nothing to do anymore after months of care giving, and years of being a wife and homemaker.

On a related topic, I made up my mind not to be sad anymore, to grieve; Yes, But to make the choice not to be sad all the time. Well I posted this fact to a widows blog I belong to, Well guess? what I got flamed for it.  So much for expressing what I feel.

 

Well moving on, I am planning a trip (well a few). Going to see some friends. Need to get out of the house. It will be fun…

I have changed my cleaning and shopping day to Saturday? I did it because the weekend was filled with Nard cooking on the grill, or us going out.

The weekends have changed here. Really starting to dislike the weekend.

 

I am still working on fixing the house up, Want to get some painting done. A few years ago Nard got me a huge king size bed, My bed is the focal point in the room. I am going to create around it. I have a home blog, which is really cool, it is full of pictures from ground breaking to the finished to moving day. I will be posting and adding there.

Getting there

Today and the past few were really good days. Yes I still cried, But I did a lot of laughing, smiling and leaving the house.

 

Today I went to see my husbands family. They have always made me feel welcome and wanted. It felt so good to be around them. We laughed a lot. Felt good. I made a promise to Nard that I would make sure I kept them a part of Lolo’s life, and I do plan on keeping it. Leaving hurt, I did not want to, It was one of those day I wish I lived closer.

 

Yesterday, I stayed home and did a fair share of crying, I was told that crying is good, so when I feel like I have to, I cry. I cannot dwell, There were so many happy years that do not even compare to the very short months of his illness. Heck even when he was sick, there were still lot of happy times. This is what I dwell on.

 

To my husbands Insurance company, HE DID NOT HAVE CANCER WHEN HE SIGNED AND BOUGHT HIS POLICY! Can you just pay??

I need a relaxer, my hair is a mess. I have set some goal for myself, here is the rough draft

1= Going to lose some weight, Not because I want someone new,or want to be more appealing, But for myself; I feel I am ready to take that step, stick to it and succeed.

2- Going to take better care of my self

3- Going to buy more stuff for me, Nard always fussed I NEVER took time to for my self, It was like pulling teeth for me to buy new clothes.

4- Be nicer to myself

 

 

Last, I created a memorial page in honor of my husband, Not for it to be sad, but to celebrate his life….

Guilt today

Well yesterday was such a good day…. a but stressful but good

 

Last night Nard came to me, I woke up to a noise in the house that turned out to be new house settling noise. As I was going back to sleep I felt a “pinch” on my butt; Right away I knew it was him. I let him know I knew he was there by saying, “I am so happy you are here”

Then, I felt him get in bed with me, I moved over on my side of the bed and I felt his arms around me. All I can say was “thank you’ I was so happy to have him near me once more. I drifted off to sleep,and had a wonderful dream about him. He was not sick, not on o2 machine. He was healthy and was himself.

I woke up this morning feeling like I could take on the world.

 

THEN

The mail came in…. The title for the truck came in the mail, I started crying because the truck is now paid off. The reason is because he died. He had insurance to pay off a lot of his bills in the event of his death.¬† Just another bill, a debt paid because he is gone.

How can I be happy?