As women esp modern progressive women often do not want this part in their wedding vows, Along with the obey. As a matter of fact the obey part were not in mines. But marriages that last 40+ years, have them in a part of their vows and throughout their whole marriage. In hindsight I wish I completely understood this concept while my husband was still alive.
When my then future husband and I went to courthouse to get our marriage license; The idea of changing my name was scary, and I did not really saw it as important. But my husband gave me this look and so added his last name on the line that said “brides new surname”. The weeks after we got married he kept asking me if I had went to the DMV to have my name changed on my drivers license? After about two months; He claimed he needed to get a recent copy of his MVR, and for me to grab a copy of our marriage license and take a ride with him. At this point I knew gig was up. It felt funny to hand over my drivers license and marriage license. I watched the clerk type some stuff in her computer; take my old license and put it a drawer; and told me they will call me after it was printed. In a matter om minutes the name I had for years was gone.
The same issue goes for my wedding rings I never wore them, Mostly because I have high blood pressure and my hands were swollen. Now since he has died I wear them everyday and I still have high blood pressure. I feel bad about this because he had to die for me to honor something so important.
After this post I plan to go to the social security office to legally change my name. I will also change my name on my bank accounts, credit cards, Insurance; everything. It was important to my husband that I have his last mane. So I will honor this and him by doing it.
This weekend was my nephews 6th birthday. So I pulled the grill out and cooked burgers and hot dogs. The kids had fun with water balloons and playing in the sprinklers. It took us three tries to get it lit and stay lit. On the third try my sister, sister in law and I decided we needed Nard needed to step in and keep the grill lit. It stayed lit. Burned for hours.
It was bittersweet….
It took Nard a whole weekend to build that grill. He and his cousin built it from sheets of metal. I remember thinking, There is NO way we will need that much grill space. Heck that grill was always full of meat. Many weekends full of family and fun and of course the food.
In a few weeks, I am going to buy some ribs, and try to make them myself. It will be a part of the process of moving on.
Well it is labor day weekend. I have the pleasure of being sick. Hate being sick. I burnt my mouth drinking hot tea; so now it (my mouth) feels funny.
Well enough of my illness..
Every year we would cook on the grill, having one last cookout today, and spend the winter just having smaller ones.
Well all summer the grill has been cold; I have not used it at all. That makes me sad. I miss eating ribs, burgers and hot dogs hot from the flame. I LOVED the way he cooked his rib;. They were perfect. He is gone, and I have no clue on how to fix them myself. I guess I could take a leap of faith and try to cook them, Try to recall on how and what he did; I will see.
Today, I will cook dinner. *sigh*
In other stuff
I have been told that I am a bit of an control freak. I never knew I was like that. I do not like it, and I want to change. I want to learn how to live in the moment, accept things as they are. This journey really sucks because I do not know how to stop. I just do not know where the line is, and when do I cross it? I cannot just sit around and do nothing, I have to be pro-active in my life. They funny thing is… I still feel like I am not doing enough. My grief therapist told me to write a list of all the things I have done since Nard passed. She told me to bring it to her. Even now I have no idea on what to write on that list.
A few days ago, a friend asked me if I would date or get married. I was young blah blah blah. Short answer? No! For years I spent my teens twenties and thirties, Looking for, trying to be attached, and/or being attached to a man. I have never spent an extended time alone. I want to be alone.
One day all of these post will make some sense, or will be a complete thought. Right now they are just the ramblings of a crazy lady.
Enjoy your cookout today.