Living my life

One thing I am learning in this process is I cannot live my life like my husband is still in it.  As bad as this thought process hurts the statment is true. Any decisions I make will not affect him. I no longer have to think about what he will feel about a choice I make. I had to get myself out of what I call “couple thought process”.  I have to do what is good for my life now.

I am just hoping this new way of thinking will help me with the stuck feeling I have been feeling the past few months.  Between work and school it will be a distraction for me.

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More dreams…..

A few nights ago, I had a dream my husband left me for another women. When I looked it up online it said Dreambible.com

The dream most likely reflects your feeling of abandonment.  It possibly also reflects your fear that in the afterlife he is doing something else.  The cheating in the dream most likely symbolizes your projection of him enjoying his new life without you.

It’s also possible that your husband cheating on you reflects your feelings of abandonment when you do things that he used to be involved with.  The constant reminders that he is no longer with you.

So I am not really crazy?? I really need to get past this..Image

My learning curve

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For the record my angry post still stands. As hard as I try, and pray I am still angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of the life I was suppose to have.

BUT as I type this I think….

Many times in my young life, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I have always said that in the past. Then something happened in my life that changed all of that. Not only did I get married once, I did it twice and had one child in each marriage. Both of my marriages and my children happened in my life when I was about to self destruct it. Both both men and the children grounded me. I grew up and became somewhat responsible adult.

Now at 42, the death of my husband has giving me another hard lesson, I still want to do a lot of the things I wanted to do in the past, But I am looking at it in a much different way than at 19 and 28. It is not about partying, but more about learning new things.

My plans are to travel aboard, This is something I have always wanted to. Travel aboard or even in the U.S is something my husband never wanted to do, He liked home and it felt safe to him. He just never had a desire to travel.

My thought process is my marriages and kids gave me lessons. It matured me, to make better choices in my life, So perhaps I will be able to do all the things I have always wanted to do.

So here I am….