Grief Monster

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As I was typing the last post I had had my home phone sitting in lap calling my best friend, Medricks his phone went to  voice mail. I hung up thinking o.k perhaps is is getting ready for the con, or working. I did find it odd that I did not hear from him all day, since it was my first weekend off in months. but I did not worry because our t.v shows did not come on until Sunday and we would catch up then.

Sunday morning, No Medricks. Text messages sent,no response.  Unanswered phone calls went to voice mail.. Then Sunday night @ 10:50 I got this message….

” This is Med sis, Sorry to say that he passed away”

I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I put my phone down, Thinking this a joke…. No! He would do that. So I picked up my phone and called him… On the first ring, a women answers….

I remember leaning on the wall crying.. She started telling me they found him in his room. He passed away in his sleep.  I am screaming in my head NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Medricks and I had been friend for over 25 years. He saw me through a marriage, divorce, two kids and was with me when I buried my husband. He mad me laugh when I wanted to cry, assured me that men DO like shaved legs ( and other lady parts). Laughed at me when I still had dial up in 2002. I sat with him through break ups, a very crazy girl friend ( well two)  advice on buying women clothes (which he became very good at). Yelled and fussed at him for not taking his meds and taking care of himself and BOY did he do the same to me.

We spent our free time together although he lived 4 hours away from each other. But Between Skype, hang outs, face book and the phone you would never know it. We watched tv together, yelled and gasped at the characters. We knew everything about each others lives. Not having him in my life anymore will not be easy. He was the man in my life, and I was his “Bottom Bitch” or his BB. ( Yes, that is a good thing)

In the past few months our “I love You” was starting to have a different meaning. Perhaps it was out of us both looking for something to fill full us. But either way he is gone now, and my heart is broken. I am dealing with another major loss in my life, and I am feeling loss and alone in the world once again.

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This is what he did in public! LOL Miss you my Love… Rest in Peace..

Chapter 2

The past few weeks have been hard. The last few days have been painful.. My daughter is battling a rare illness, work has been stressful and through it all my husband has been real heavy on my mind. But I feel I have turned corner in this process and to be honest I am not sure what to do or how to feel. This feels like uncharted waters and I am swimming in dark pool.

That is all I have to say…..

My thoughts on year three

Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.

Things I have done..

1- Sold the house

2- Moved twice

3- Smiled and laughed.

4- Got a job

I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.

Still growing!

More dreams…..

A few nights ago, I had a dream my husband left me for another women. When I looked it up online it said Dreambible.com

The dream most likely reflects your feeling of abandonment.  It possibly also reflects your fear that in the afterlife he is doing something else.  The cheating in the dream most likely symbolizes your projection of him enjoying his new life without you.

It’s also possible that your husband cheating on you reflects your feelings of abandonment when you do things that he used to be involved with.  The constant reminders that he is no longer with you.

So I am not really crazy?? I really need to get past this..Image

Angry

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When I think about all the changes that has happen since my husband died, I often wonder how I did it. Yes they are positive ones, changes that will help me move on. This is a good thing Right?

No it is not…. I would not have to deal with the changes and this crap because he died. THAT IS THE TRUTH! We would still be living in our home, It would not be pending a sale. I would not have to in a attempt to downsize get rid of some of the things we loved the most. I can still have bar-a-q’s in the yard.

I am angry because I feel my life was stolen from me…. Now I have to find a way to pick up the broken pieces of my life and start over. THAT SUCKS! Should I be grateful that in life you do not get “do overs”, But it looks like I am given the chance, the hell with that I rather had the life I had before. Right now there is very little gratitude in my heart now because I am angry!

I just hope I get past this.

 

Moving on

I am typing this while sitting on my bed in my new apartment. I will not lie this has been very hard. I have found myself a little bit depressed, but I will not allow this to get me down.

I am pretty much moved all in, now what is left at the old house are a few odds and ends. A few things to take out for bulk pick up. Going to take so things to goodwill. Once the house is sold, I will spend the next year rebuilding.

This whole process has humbled me.