Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.
Things I have done..
1- Sold the house
2- Moved twice
3- Smiled and laughed.
4- Got a job
I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.
For the record my angry post still stands. As hard as I try, and pray I am still angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of the life I was suppose to have.
BUT as I type this I think….
Many times in my young life, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I have always said that in the past. Then something happened in my life that changed all of that. Not only did I get married once, I did it twice and had one child in each marriage. Both of my marriages and my children happened in my life when I was about to self destruct it. Both both men and the children grounded me. I grew up and became somewhat responsible adult.
Now at 42, the death of my husband has giving me another hard lesson, I still want to do a lot of the things I wanted to do in the past, But I am looking at it in a much different way than at 19 and 28. It is not about partying, but more about learning new things.
My plans are to travel aboard, This is something I have always wanted to. Travel aboard or even in the U.S is something my husband never wanted to do, He liked home and it felt safe to him. He just never had a desire to travel.
My thought process is my marriages and kids gave me lessons. It matured me, to make better choices in my life, So perhaps I will be able to do all the things I have always wanted to do.
So here I am….
I am typing this while sitting on my bed in my new apartment. I will not lie this has been very hard. I have found myself a little bit depressed, but I will not allow this to get me down.
I am pretty much moved all in, now what is left at the old house are a few odds and ends. A few things to take out for bulk pick up. Going to take so things to goodwill. Once the house is sold, I will spend the next year rebuilding.
This whole process has humbled me.