The anniversary train

Let me say this I did not come up with this title on my own it is the title of a blog post from another widow named Christina Rasmussen, and her Message in a bottle    When I read it something in head “clicked”

I decided that I was not going to spend the next four months being sad.. My husband had a great life, I would not honor him by focusing on the fact that he he will not turn 54 on his next birthday, That my life has not been the same since he died.

Well The fact is all of the above is true, and the fact is there is nothing I can do to change to make it untrue.

But here are the facts

1- I am healthy

2- My kids and family are also

3- I do have a wonderful man in my life and he loves me.

4- Being with him, has helped be renew my faith in my god and this is a wonderful thing.

5- He has 4 kids and 2 grand kids which blew up my very small family from 3 to a family 10.

I really have so much to be grateful for… I know my husband wanted me to live my life, He wanted me to happy, I am not sure if thought he would be with be another man.

As we sit here and watch the super bowl with friends I have to sit back and see how much I have to be grateful for..

So I will enjoy my life……

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Hospice

Four years ago today I took my husband to the cancer center. It was cold, there was a 2 hour school delay because the roads had ice on them. I can remember thinking “Today we start Chemo; Yes the cancer is spreading, But today we start chemo. But the other side of my brain was thinking… Damn! the cancer is spreading fast; We really need to start chemo today. I looked over at my husband while he was somewhat sleep on his pain pills we had got at the ER a few nights before. I checked my rear view as our 6th grader played music from her phone.

When I got the center I pulled up got a wheelchair from the lobby and helped my husband out of the car. He was wearing pajama pants, because he was to tired to get dressed that morning. I pulled his O2 tank out, and helped him to the chair, wheeled him in to be checked in.

I did not know his team was already in a meeting, The results form the ER visit a few days before sitting on a table while the team discussed the fate of my husband… I guess I should have figured it out when the tiny exam room was filled with people all exchanging words, and we were waiting for the head of the team to enter the room…..

When he ( The doctor) did  enter the room the social worker was staring at me. I really should have known……

After a few questions about how he was feeling, why was he in the wheelchair? The doctor said ” I am Sorry, I think we need to call Hospice in. I took a sip of ginger ale, looked up and saw the social worker and burst into tears…

I think that day I felt defeated, Everything I was doing, all the phone calls, planning everything changed in one sentence. HE was going to die, I knew that for sure, there was no question about it. So I just got to sit by and watch it happen..

A fellow widow spoke about the landscape and what she saw when she closed her eyes. She posted a black and picture of what I can describe as flatland. For me that day I saw a city on fire being destroyed.

Upside…..

The four months my husband was in Hospice was the best of all of our years together. I have very little regrets, I guess I could wish I had more time. I did question why did this happen to me, I was angry at god for a long time. But as the years has passed I figured out I really did not have the right to question why things happened the way it did. I guess the key is to try to find the lesson in all that happened.

My Lesson…

I take nothing for granted. Life is different for me now. I am dating and great guy now, My landscape now….. Country lots of green grass tall blowing in the wind, white fence with a house in the background.

This widow has a date

A few post back I posted saying I was not sure of where my life will be taking me. My best friend of 25 years passed away and I felt like life had just taking a turn for the worse. I also said that dating was not going to be an issue for me at all. The desire was not there. Well that all changed…..

I meet someone, A person from my past. He and I reconnected and. well we are seeing each other. I was not looking for this it just sort of happened. I do feel I am in a good place when it comes to my life, I been working on becoming a complete person. I know there is never a right time to date it happens.. No time line.

We will see how this goes..

Grief Monster

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As I was typing the last post I had had my home phone sitting in lap calling my best friend, Medricks his phone went to  voice mail. I hung up thinking o.k perhaps is is getting ready for the con, or working. I did find it odd that I did not hear from him all day, since it was my first weekend off in months. but I did not worry because our t.v shows did not come on until Sunday and we would catch up then.

Sunday morning, No Medricks. Text messages sent,no response.  Unanswered phone calls went to voice mail.. Then Sunday night @ 10:50 I got this message….

” This is Med sis, Sorry to say that he passed away”

I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I put my phone down, Thinking this a joke…. No! He would do that. So I picked up my phone and called him… On the first ring, a women answers….

I remember leaning on the wall crying.. She started telling me they found him in his room. He passed away in his sleep.  I am screaming in my head NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Medricks and I had been friend for over 25 years. He saw me through a marriage, divorce, two kids and was with me when I buried my husband. He mad me laugh when I wanted to cry, assured me that men DO like shaved legs ( and other lady parts). Laughed at me when I still had dial up in 2002. I sat with him through break ups, a very crazy girl friend ( well two)  advice on buying women clothes (which he became very good at). Yelled and fussed at him for not taking his meds and taking care of himself and BOY did he do the same to me.

We spent our free time together although he lived 4 hours away from each other. But Between Skype, hang outs, face book and the phone you would never know it. We watched tv together, yelled and gasped at the characters. We knew everything about each others lives. Not having him in my life anymore will not be easy. He was the man in my life, and I was his “Bottom Bitch” or his BB. ( Yes, that is a good thing)

In the past few months our “I love You” was starting to have a different meaning. Perhaps it was out of us both looking for something to fill full us. But either way he is gone now, and my heart is broken. I am dealing with another major loss in my life, and I am feeling loss and alone in the world once again.

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This is what he did in public! LOL Miss you my Love… Rest in Peace..

What could have been

In our very stay in touch world, it is very easy to share your life with everyone in just one click. I watch my facebook feed and I see my friends with their families, It really makes me miss on the life I could have had if my husband was still alive. Then I will watch T.V and watch shows like Sex and the City and Friends and I think about the kinda life I wanted to have before marriage and kids.

Yes I get sad, I wish my husband was here to help me with my daughter and her illness, to have someone to talk to at night right before I went to sleep.

So then I say to myself “NO REGRETS”…..

I cannot stay in the past, I cannot wish for a life that is impossible to have back. I have to learn live the life that I wanted all along. I am just going to take the time to do it. I will also celebrate the advancements that I have made in my life so far.

 

Off the beaten path.. a little bit

This week we all morn the loss of Actor, comedian Robin Williams. I have to say I cried like a baby when I found out he took his life. This brought back a lot of feeling of loss, and also triggered a lot of issues with my own mental illness.

The choice to take your life is no small one, You are in the darkest place, you tell yourself that the issues and problems that you are dealing with are much larger than the family who loves you, and who will briefly grieve your loss. Sadly, You have already told yourself that your family is really better off with out you and all of your crap. At this point the only thing left to do is getting up the strength to just do it. That is hardest part, not because you do not have a plan ( You already do) You just have to take a deep breath and DO IT..

 

Lets say I never want to be there, I am not sure with all my loss that I will be able to come out alive in the end. But I am always thinking positive.

But if you every find yourself not wanting to live, I do ask that you reach out. In the United States Please call the National Suicide prevention Hotline @ 1-800-273-8255

In the U.K Samaritans

Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK – local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI – local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)

 

O Captain, my Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, ‘O Captain my Captain’.”

RIP Mr Williams… You are missed…

The Dating widow???

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This is how I have been feeling in the past few weeks. I have been taking on life and running with it. I think widowhood has not been easy but I have been moving forward. I found a nice house to rent and have settled in. My son is almost done with college my daughter is starting her 2nd year of high school. I am still working, in school enjoying my friends and family. I am just in a good place right now.

I have made the choice not to date.. This choice was made mostly from a conversion I had with my husband before he died and I do not want to date. Right now a man, dating and sex is not  a part of the plan that is my life now. I think I spend my whole life trying to find a boyfriend, husband what ever. I think some alone time is just the best thing for me. I am sure this makes my husband happy, I really do not have a reason not to honor it.

So I close this, as I get ready for work..