Stages of Grief…

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Many are aware of the famous “Stages of grief” by Elizabeth Kubler- Ross. I found out that although she was correct, But the stages really have more with the person who is dying, rather than the people left behind. My sister disagrees with me. As I reading this, I can only imagine what my husband went through knowing he was dying. He knew what hospice was, he knew how it would end. One of the first times I saw him cry was the day the doctor, social worker told us that treatment was not an option because he was getting weaker, and it came down quality of life. I was on the phone with his cousin and I had to tell him that. I looked up and watched my strong husband break down in tears. It broke my heart.

I think he thought he would beat his cancer. He renewed his drivers license for 8 years in Jan 2011. I am pretty sure he was planning on being around to renew it in 2019.

So back to grief….

This was posted in an widows group I belong to, when dealing with grief of a love one.

1) Shock and caregiver burnout
2) Introspection and inspection of every intent, thought, and desire I have ever had
3) Serious cleanup of home, mind, heart, and spirit
4) Trying to figure out who I am
5) Trying to fix myself and my house
6) Examination of all of my relationships since I was born
7) Trying to join the rest of society
8) don’t know what comes next yet

Well I am mixed with all of them, but I am sitting solidly between 3-4. Care giving took a lot out of me. There was a lot that happened that a lot of people do not know about; late nights, bad dreams, and the time period when he woke up at 4am and stayed wake till 7am. The night he died, I went to bed surrounded by my sisters and sister in laws; I went to sleep, pretty much passed out. As I type this I really forgot what happened that weekend. My sister in law came by every day and brought food. I went out with my friend Melissa. We went to eat, and brought cuff links for my husband’s suit. Something about Melissa, Although there is the BIG fat elephant in a room, She has a great way of ignoring it and making me forget it also.

So when dealing with grief. On a widows board I belong on, I saw a post by a member who had a post called a Stages of widower dating; Here is what he wrote:

Stage 1: Not interested in dating. Too much grief and sadness
Stage 2: Loneliness but still see identity as married. Thus,
dating feels like cheating on our deceased spouse.
Stage 3: Realization that spouse is gone for good and so a
desire to date is allowed.
Stage 4: Sense of real freedom to date. Sees identity as
single and available.
Stage 5: Going on real dates. Even dating different people.
Stage 6: Decision to date one person exclusively.
Stage 7: Remarriage.

After some heartfelt thinking I have made up my mind I am at stage 1. Got a feeling I will be here for a while. I have fun, I laugh with my friends and family. I really have no desire to start dating much less getting remarried; I Been married two times, I do not feel 3rd time is the charm.

“Trying to for…

Image“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never meet”

Life really sucks sometimes. Today will be going to my brother in laws birthday party. I  always feel very guilty for attending a family function of my husband family. Partly because almost 100% of the time when they saw me, that my husband was not that far behind me. Since he died; well that is not the case any more. I know I have no reason to feel guilty; but I do. I will be happy when I get to this middle ground, “Inner peace” if you want to call it.