Grief Monster

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As I was typing the last post I had had my home phone sitting in lap calling my best friend, Medricks his phone went to  voice mail. I hung up thinking o.k perhaps is is getting ready for the con, or working. I did find it odd that I did not hear from him all day, since it was my first weekend off in months. but I did not worry because our t.v shows did not come on until Sunday and we would catch up then.

Sunday morning, No Medricks. Text messages sent,no response.  Unanswered phone calls went to voice mail.. Then Sunday night @ 10:50 I got this message….

” This is Med sis, Sorry to say that he passed away”

I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I put my phone down, Thinking this a joke…. No! He would do that. So I picked up my phone and called him… On the first ring, a women answers….

I remember leaning on the wall crying.. She started telling me they found him in his room. He passed away in his sleep.  I am screaming in my head NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Medricks and I had been friend for over 25 years. He saw me through a marriage, divorce, two kids and was with me when I buried my husband. He mad me laugh when I wanted to cry, assured me that men DO like shaved legs ( and other lady parts). Laughed at me when I still had dial up in 2002. I sat with him through break ups, a very crazy girl friend ( well two)  advice on buying women clothes (which he became very good at). Yelled and fussed at him for not taking his meds and taking care of himself and BOY did he do the same to me.

We spent our free time together although he lived 4 hours away from each other. But Between Skype, hang outs, face book and the phone you would never know it. We watched tv together, yelled and gasped at the characters. We knew everything about each others lives. Not having him in my life anymore will not be easy. He was the man in my life, and I was his “Bottom Bitch” or his BB. ( Yes, that is a good thing)

In the past few months our “I love You” was starting to have a different meaning. Perhaps it was out of us both looking for something to fill full us. But either way he is gone now, and my heart is broken. I am dealing with another major loss in my life, and I am feeling loss and alone in the world once again.

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This is what he did in public! LOL Miss you my Love… Rest in Peace..

What could have been

In our very stay in touch world, it is very easy to share your life with everyone in just one click. I watch my facebook feed and I see my friends with their families, It really makes me miss on the life I could have had if my husband was still alive. Then I will watch T.V and watch shows like Sex and the City and Friends and I think about the kinda life I wanted to have before marriage and kids.

Yes I get sad, I wish my husband was here to help me with my daughter and her illness, to have someone to talk to at night right before I went to sleep.

So then I say to myself “NO REGRETS”…..

I cannot stay in the past, I cannot wish for a life that is impossible to have back. I have to learn live the life that I wanted all along. I am just going to take the time to do it. I will also celebrate the advancements that I have made in my life so far.