Open House, Being lonely and a few other things

Yesterday was open house for my daughter’s school. She will be going to the 7th grade. About 2:45 we got in the truck and drove to the school; Everything went well. But this open house was different. Every year I would call my husband and tell him about her teachers and class rooms. Yesterday there was no one to share it with.
As I was walking in the school I almost started crying just thinking about it.

This leads to loneliness, I am feeling so alone today. I am worried about a lot of what if’s? I just do not understand. I am trying to do all he right things, Live my life right; But it is so hard. One of my Nieces told me to ” The devil is a lie, And tell him to go back where he came from. I am going to do that. I need to shake this feeling I have.

Today, I had to go to the bank, Not any bank but the only bank my husband and I had a joint account. It is near his home town. I needed to deposit a check that came in both our names. While I was down there I was going to see the family, and take some of my husbands clothes and give to his younger brother. As I was packing the clothes; I found myself starting to panic. Later while driving down the highway, I was holding back tears. Long story short, I never got the clothes to his brother.

I keep telling myself I just need to go to graveyard. I need to go there, lose my mind then I can get this whole process going. But I am just fooling myself, I know better. As it was brought to my attention, I did not have a chance to say goodbye. Even though I thought I said everything I needed to say to him, But I did not say goodbye. Perhaps If i go there I can tell him goodbye. One day….

Where many people look forward to the crisp days of fall, I am dreading them. The days are shorter, Less sunlight. More time in the house. Which means more time alone and more thinking; And of course the 2nd half of “The year of firsts” First thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. Then of course his and mines birthdays in march. I was planning on enjoying my 40’s. When I turn 41, I think I will just be sad. I do plan on doing some things this fall, Like walk in a lung cancer walk, near Atlanta. Helping my friend in her new house. and of course spend more time with my family. (all of them)

Well I am off to bed. Have a good one.

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My very own Eat, Pray, Love

EAT
I want to learn to be a better cook. I want to learn to how to fix and experience food from other countries. I want to fix hot spicy foods that make you run to the bathroom. Foods with less processing. Foods that are rich with flavors; so rich that even the smell can make you taste them. Desserts that are light that make you close your eyes and throw your head back because it taste so good.

Pray
I saw in some movie, “When you keep doing the same thing; and keep getting the same result. Then try something different”. So I have started reading again. Right now I am reading “The Essence of Buddhism” I am hoping to gain some type of insight. One thing I want to learn is how to become less of a control freak. I have been told this twice, So I see it as not an asset but something I need to work on. I hope I can find some balance in my life without over doing it. I want to learn how to meditate. Clear my mind and allow whatever is good to flow in my mind to help me get through all of this. I just pray that I will be able to see when something bad comes in I have the courage to deal with it or push it out of mind
Yesterday, I dug out every piece of paper that was trash and piled it in bags and boxes. I feel the only way I can de clutter my mind, I have to de clutter my space. So I did. I discovered my life is just a journey filled with winding roads full of wholes, ditches or even some that are smooth and straight and cliffs to clime down from. Small and large streams of water to either jump over or have to wade through. During this 2nd part of my life, the road is full of walls. I just feel stuck; I do not know how to get around them. I do hope this will help.

Love
This will be hardest. I Loved NO, still love my husband with my whole heart. At this point I do not think I could ever love anyone else. For now I will learn how to love myself. Teach myself I deserve to be happy. My husband always told me I was cheap to myself, How I would never spend a lot of money on clothes and getting my hair done. I always felt there would never be enough of money. The fact is, there will never be enough money. I just have to have a leap of faith. I think that is what this love is about.

At three in a half months, I have decided to stop counting. I just have to deal with each day as it comes. I had a goal, But the truth is it will not change anything. By trying to race towards it, does nothing but bring me pain. I been told to stop and smell the flowers, My husband always told me to “be still”. I guess I will listen now. I will be building that memorial garden to reflect. I will be turning the garage in to what he wanted, not as storage which is what it is now. He gave so much to me; He deserves so much more. I have to honor him, and keep going. I will still grieve, and cry everyday for him. The fact is he lived on this earth for 49 years The cancer and his death does and will not define him.
I love him so much, and I miss him even more.

Good days

Spent the past few days moving around. Started the school shopping. School start in two weeks. eating out and spending time with my family. I have to say I have been enjoying myself.

This morning I was up around 4, with a major migraine. Took my meds and slept all day. Then later went back to Sams club. Well I really went there so I could cancel Nard’s Sam club card. and gave my SIL the card.

Sucks!

There is not much going on tho.

Going to get some much needed rest.

A Letter to my husband

Dear Nard,

The day you left, was one of the worst days of my life. Watching your last days, hours and minutes were gut wrenching. I feel I was in some type of denial the months before; Then April 4th changed that, it was the day they told us you were actively dying, or your body was shutting down. Then I saw how much darker your nails were, How your body temp was cooler. Over the next few weeks, I watched you change right before my very eyes. From picking you up from the floor when you fell, To putting your airline back on when you took it off and Helping you get dressed. But, I was willing to take care of you for the rest of my life If I had to. I know sometimes you felt I was treating you like a child especially when Bubba, and Ant took you to the store for your last ride in the truck. I want you to know that I was worried, Hell bent on protecting you; I did not want you to catch some bug out in the street. But you came back, and you were fine.
The last week of your life, you stopped eating. Then on the forth day you sat up in bed and ate three forkful of rice. Even then you were worried about me because I had not eaten that day. You made me stop feeding you, and eat myself. I guess you knew I had no plans on eating that night. That night was the start of your “rally”. It lasted four days. During your rally, Pastor West came to see you; They prayed and sang songs for you. They officially made you a part of their flock that night. All I could do was cry because I knew these were your wishes and I was so grateful for what they were doing. That night you slept peacefully; Then on the 5th day you fell. Your rally was over. You stopped eating, Stopped using the bathroom. You could not sallow the few pills you had So I crushed them. So the Hospice doctor removed every thing but your pain meds. You stayed in bed sleeping all day. You told me you were no longer in pain. Then on the 29th you left. You closed your eyes and stop breathing. At that moment it felt like a cord snapped, That was the cord that held us together and it was broken. I cursed cancer, because it took you away from me, It cut that cord.

You and I were suppose to grow old together. Do you know that we only spent 1 year in the home we built together? Did you know that there is a finger print left by you by a livingroom window? I cannot wash it, or even paint over it. There is also a crack in the powder room door, and wall where you once fell. These I will not fix; They have your DNA. I have to leave a part of you here. This is just not fair. You will never turn 50, I guess it is mute that I was planning a big party for you. Guess that will not happen.

I am sorry that at times I doubted that you loved me. I am so grateful we had hospice, grateful that they gave us the time we spent together. I regret that we bickered a lot; So much that even outsiders felt that what we had was not real. They felt I took your death harder than they expected. I loved you, When you died part of me went with you. I feel very empty inside.

I am in shock some nights after dinner when I go upstairs. There is no reason to stay downstairs because you will not be walking through the door. I hate going to bed. I hate falling asleep, because the right before I doze off I know you will not be there when I wake up. I hate that I am not sharing the our bathroom anymore. I hate that I have to remove your name from the homeowners Insurance, The mortgage and the deed to the house. I hate that I am to scared to let your cell phone number go. I hate that I sometimes do not remember my dreams when you are in them. I hate that your life is over, and reduced to just memories. You will not see what all the kids are doing with their lives. For me that is the saddest part.

You were larger than life, and as hard as it is; I have to remember that. Your illness and death does not take away the 49 years of your life. I will still morn your death, But I know that one day I have to let it go. There were to many good times. Like the day I meet you, The day we got married. The day I woke up and knew I loved you. I have to remember those days. I have to tell my self you are fine, that you are with your Parents, My dad, Your grandmother, Your Aunt, and your friends. I know you are in a better place. I take comfort in that.

In closing, You were my soul mate, the love of my life. I considered it to be an honor to be your wife, and life partner. One day I will see you again. You will be playing cards, Look up and I will be walking towards you. But please forgive me when I say, That my job on earth is not done yet.

Missing you EVERY DAY
Your wife
Aurlyn.