“The year of f…

“The year of first”

To a lot of people will have no clue what this means, But to a widow it mean a lot. What does it mean? It is the first 365 days after a loved ones death. Birthday’s and holidays being the worst. Keep in mind this term can apply to any person who has suffered a lost of a loved one. I went through my firsts very early on, I thought it would be easier to handle. I was wrong.  At almost 18 months out I still do not look forward to the holidays, birthdays, my daughter’s first day of the 8th grade. Or my son’s pending college graduation. Another first was his family had their family reunion that was held few weekends ago. This was the first one held after he died, The first one he was not there. Needless to say it was different, oddly quiet.But It felt good to be around his family, I can look at them and see parts of him in all of them. When I got home something had changed in me. 

I had spent so much time focusing on his death, that I forgot he had lived for 49 years before cancer and before he died. That he and I spent over a decade together and shared the good, the bad and the ugly. The fact that we brought out the best and worse in each other. At the end of the day I picked him as my life partner and he did the same for me. So I made a choice to try to remember they good times. A few days after I got home, I pulled out our wedding rings. I had not seen them in over a year. As I put them on my finger; I thought about the day we got married. The day we brought our house and the day he completed his CDL training, He was proud of him self. It was something he always wanted to do. He was a truck driver, and loved doing it. I smiled as I looked at my rings on my finger. Right then I made the choice to leave them on. They did not make me sad like they did after his death. But they made me smile and think about all the good times. The truth is every milestone in our family’s life for now on will be a first, Another one that he is not there.

But I have to keep telling myself that there are a lot of happy days ahead.

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