April 29, 2013

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Two years ago today you left

No….

Two years ago you died.

@3:51 P.M

Two years ago my whole life fell apart.

This day is burned in my mind forever. This day everything that happened, I replay in my mind a thousand times. I cannot shake it..

No! I cannot shake you

Your last words to me were “you will need a wheelchair” Then you collapsed. I held you, holding on to you. As I watched your last breath leave your body. I was devastated. The thing that was living, that thing that tied us was gone and broken. I will never see, touch or feel you.

I am really trying, trying to hold it all together. But I see it all  crashing down around me, or falling like sand between my fingers.

Am I selfish because I want you back? Should I have tried to hold on to you, So I can see your body?

NO!

It would have been unfair for be to allow you to live as a shell of the man you use to be. You were in pain. You could no longer drive. No, it would have been unfair…..

But then again, you would still be here.

I guess learning to live with the fact you are a part of me is something I will have to do. You may not be here, but there is “something” here. On the nights I sleep a whole night is because that “something” is here making me feel safe.

I just hope I apply the lesson I learned from you in my life. Your achievements and even your mistakes. To carry on the goals you set for yourself.

I can do it… But I FIRST have to learn to live with my broken heart.

 

 

Pic from Kootation.com

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One thought on “April 29, 2013

  1. Today is the hardest day of the year for you. I know you will get through it although it will not be easy. Tomorrow and everyday after it will get a little better. I too had to let go and the only thing that helped me was knowing there would be no more pain and suffering fro him. You stood by your man like I did and loved him to the end. We now have to begin to love ourselves and find out who we are without them. Take care and remember I am always here for you.

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