Chapter 2

The past few weeks have been hard. The last few days have been painful.. My daughter is battling a rare illness, work has been stressful and through it all my husband has been real heavy on my mind. But I feel I have turned corner in this process and to be honest I am not sure what to do or how to feel. This feels like uncharted waters and I am swimming in dark pool.

That is all I have to say…..

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My thoughts on year three

Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.

Things I have done..

1- Sold the house

2- Moved twice

3- Smiled and laughed.

4- Got a job

I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.

Still growing!

Angry

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When I think about all the changes that has happen since my husband died, I often wonder how I did it. Yes they are positive ones, changes that will help me move on. This is a good thing Right?

No it is not…. I would not have to deal with the changes and this crap because he died. THAT IS THE TRUTH! We would still be living in our home, It would not be pending a sale. I would not have to in a attempt to downsize get rid of some of the things we loved the most. I can still have bar-a-q’s in the yard.

I am angry because I feel my life was stolen from me…. Now I have to find a way to pick up the broken pieces of my life and start over. THAT SUCKS! Should I be grateful that in life you do not get “do overs”, But it looks like I am given the chance, the hell with that I rather had the life I had before. Right now there is very little gratitude in my heart now because I am angry!

I just hope I get past this.

 

Moving on

I am typing this while sitting on my bed in my new apartment. I will not lie this has been very hard. I have found myself a little bit depressed, but I will not allow this to get me down.

I am pretty much moved all in, now what is left at the old house are a few odds and ends. A few things to take out for bulk pick up. Going to take so things to goodwill. Once the house is sold, I will spend the next year rebuilding.

This whole process has humbled me.

Happy Father’s Day

To my husband and Dad. Happy  father’s day to you both. Hope someone is burning that grill in heaven.

 

This came from another widow page, I was so impressed that I threw out my Father’s day rant and put her in place of it. So here is a great thanks to “The Widow lady”  https://www.facebook.com/TheWidowLady?fref=ts

Perhaps I am a rare exception….but I don’t want to be rich, famous, or anything usually associated with great success. Instead, I want to be a person of merit, of character, and of value for myself and others. Beauty, money, fame, fortune, and all the glitz…fades. Clothes go out of fashion, hair cuts grow out, money gets lost and spent, you gain or lose weight, gravity defines skin…it’s all, transient.

A few things aren’t, and I think grief and grieving has taught me this more profoundly. I want to strive always to be the best person I can be in all definitions of my character and being. To learn always to be more loving, more giving, more patient, more kind, more understanding, and all the things the make up my character.

People who speak at my funeral aren’t going to remember the size jean I wore, but they will remember how I helped them in a time of need. If I live long enough, societies definition of physical beauty will no longer apply to me…but if I am truly beautiful from the inside out people will seek to be with me because I add value to their life.

Why we invest so much time chasing ephemeral things I will never understand. Because they don’t talk about your car after you are gone, they talk about who you were, and how you affected their lives.

May we all strive less for things that fade, and more for being the people worth remembering.

Just some food for thought…

With love, Namaste, WL To all we whose fathers are no longer with us. To all those who have have had to become both father and mother. To all the fathers who have had to become both mother and father…to you all, I wish you the absolute best father’s day possible.

To my father for all he taught me, he helped make me who I am today…

In love to all, WL

April 29, 2013

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Two years ago today you left

No….

Two years ago you died.

@3:51 P.M

Two years ago my whole life fell apart.

This day is burned in my mind forever. This day everything that happened, I replay in my mind a thousand times. I cannot shake it..

No! I cannot shake you

Your last words to me were “you will need a wheelchair” Then you collapsed. I held you, holding on to you. As I watched your last breath leave your body. I was devastated. The thing that was living, that thing that tied us was gone and broken. I will never see, touch or feel you.

I am really trying, trying to hold it all together. But I see it all  crashing down around me, or falling like sand between my fingers.

Am I selfish because I want you back? Should I have tried to hold on to you, So I can see your body?

NO!

It would have been unfair for be to allow you to live as a shell of the man you use to be. You were in pain. You could no longer drive. No, it would have been unfair…..

But then again, you would still be here.

I guess learning to live with the fact you are a part of me is something I will have to do. You may not be here, but there is “something” here. On the nights I sleep a whole night is because that “something” is here making me feel safe.

I just hope I apply the lesson I learned from you in my life. Your achievements and even your mistakes. To carry on the goals you set for yourself.

I can do it… But I FIRST have to learn to live with my broken heart.

 

 

Pic from Kootation.com

Tired

of crying
of missing you
of wishing you were here
of feeling guilty because I gave you permission to go, that I cannot look at your pictures, I wish I said more to you. That I am still here living my life.
of knowing that I my heart is broken
of knowing I cannot do anything about it
of knowing I cannot fix this
of felling like I failed you
of feeling that I was not a better wife to you
of feeling I should have fought for you more
But..

No matter what you will still be a part of me, my life is forever changed because you came into it. And that really my grief will someday get better
But for now I just want to be sad and cry and question everything I did, and feel guilty about a lot of things. That no matter what I did or said the outcome would still be the same. That you would want me to be happy and live my life. That you felt I did fight for you and you trusted me

I have accepted that I am still broken; You always put me back together. I am not sure if I can do this on my own. I just wish you were here. We were suppose to grow old and fuss at each other. But you died; not because you wanted to, because for some other reason that I guess I am not suppose to know.

There is no good place to be. No place to feel safe. Everything is in limbo, slow motion.
It is just grief.