Grief Monster

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As I was typing the last post I had had my home phone sitting in lap calling my best friend, Medricks his phone went to  voice mail. I hung up thinking o.k perhaps is is getting ready for the con, or working. I did find it odd that I did not hear from him all day, since it was my first weekend off in months. but I did not worry because our t.v shows did not come on until Sunday and we would catch up then.

Sunday morning, No Medricks. Text messages sent,no response.  Unanswered phone calls went to voice mail.. Then Sunday night @ 10:50 I got this message….

” This is Med sis, Sorry to say that he passed away”

I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I put my phone down, Thinking this a joke…. No! He would do that. So I picked up my phone and called him… On the first ring, a women answers….

I remember leaning on the wall crying.. She started telling me they found him in his room. He passed away in his sleep.  I am screaming in my head NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Medricks and I had been friend for over 25 years. He saw me through a marriage, divorce, two kids and was with me when I buried my husband. He mad me laugh when I wanted to cry, assured me that men DO like shaved legs ( and other lady parts). Laughed at me when I still had dial up in 2002. I sat with him through break ups, a very crazy girl friend ( well two)  advice on buying women clothes (which he became very good at). Yelled and fussed at him for not taking his meds and taking care of himself and BOY did he do the same to me.

We spent our free time together although he lived 4 hours away from each other. But Between Skype, hang outs, face book and the phone you would never know it. We watched tv together, yelled and gasped at the characters. We knew everything about each others lives. Not having him in my life anymore will not be easy. He was the man in my life, and I was his “Bottom Bitch” or his BB. ( Yes, that is a good thing)

In the past few months our “I love You” was starting to have a different meaning. Perhaps it was out of us both looking for something to fill full us. But either way he is gone now, and my heart is broken. I am dealing with another major loss in my life, and I am feeling loss and alone in the world once again.

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This is what he did in public! LOL Miss you my Love… Rest in Peace..

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April 29, 2013

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Two years ago today you left

No….

Two years ago you died.

@3:51 P.M

Two years ago my whole life fell apart.

This day is burned in my mind forever. This day everything that happened, I replay in my mind a thousand times. I cannot shake it..

No! I cannot shake you

Your last words to me were “you will need a wheelchair” Then you collapsed. I held you, holding on to you. As I watched your last breath leave your body. I was devastated. The thing that was living, that thing that tied us was gone and broken. I will never see, touch or feel you.

I am really trying, trying to hold it all together. But I see it all  crashing down around me, or falling like sand between my fingers.

Am I selfish because I want you back? Should I have tried to hold on to you, So I can see your body?

NO!

It would have been unfair for be to allow you to live as a shell of the man you use to be. You were in pain. You could no longer drive. No, it would have been unfair…..

But then again, you would still be here.

I guess learning to live with the fact you are a part of me is something I will have to do. You may not be here, but there is “something” here. On the nights I sleep a whole night is because that “something” is here making me feel safe.

I just hope I apply the lesson I learned from you in my life. Your achievements and even your mistakes. To carry on the goals you set for yourself.

I can do it… But I FIRST have to learn to live with my broken heart.

 

 

Pic from Kootation.com