of missing you
of wishing you were here
of feeling guilty because I gave you permission to go, that I cannot look at your pictures, I wish I said more to you. That I am still here living my life.
of knowing that I my heart is broken
of knowing I cannot do anything about it
of knowing I cannot fix this
of felling like I failed you
of feeling that I was not a better wife to you
of feeling I should have fought for you more
No matter what you will still be a part of me, my life is forever changed because you came into it. And that really my grief will someday get better
But for now I just want to be sad and cry and question everything I did, and feel guilty about a lot of things. That no matter what I did or said the outcome would still be the same. That you would want me to be happy and live my life. That you felt I did fight for you and you trusted me
I have accepted that I am still broken; You always put me back together. I am not sure if I can do this on my own. I just wish you were here. We were suppose to grow old and fuss at each other. But you died; not because you wanted to, because for some other reason that I guess I am not suppose to know.
There is no good place to be. No place to feel safe. Everything is in limbo, slow motion.
It is just grief.