Tired

of crying
of missing you
of wishing you were here
of feeling guilty because I gave you permission to go, that I cannot look at your pictures, I wish I said more to you. That I am still here living my life.
of knowing that I my heart is broken
of knowing I cannot do anything about it
of knowing I cannot fix this
of felling like I failed you
of feeling that I was not a better wife to you
of feeling I should have fought for you more
But..

No matter what you will still be a part of me, my life is forever changed because you came into it. And that really my grief will someday get better
But for now I just want to be sad and cry and question everything I did, and feel guilty about a lot of things. That no matter what I did or said the outcome would still be the same. That you would want me to be happy and live my life. That you felt I did fight for you and you trusted me

I have accepted that I am still broken; You always put me back together. I am not sure if I can do this on my own. I just wish you were here. We were suppose to grow old and fuss at each other. But you died; not because you wanted to, because for some other reason that I guess I am not suppose to know.

There is no good place to be. No place to feel safe. Everything is in limbo, slow motion.
It is just grief.

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4 thoughts on “Tired

  1. I feel your pain and know that one day we will become whole again. Time heals all wounds and sometimes just the fact that you know you loved with all your heart will be enough. I too am tired of the grief and the loneliness. I just want to know, if we are so tired why won’t sleep come? Nights are the worst and seem to last forever. Maybe one day it will be better. We can pray.

    • Becoming whole is so far away from me. I do not think I will ever get there. Right before he died he told me something and it will stick with me forever. It is also the reason why I will never get remarried or have another man in my life. I just need to get from the grief. The loneliness is when I am home, when I hear something funny and I want to share it. When I look over on his side of the bed and he was not there. I am hoping one day to fill my life with travel.

  2. It saddens me to know that something your husband told you before he died is causing you to never want another man in your life. I know you need to heal and as I told you my husband prepared me before his death to keep on living. I know the feeling of wanting to share something and there is no one to share it with. I was wondering if you have any children. I have a 21 year old daughter and she keeps me going. In fact in many ways she is having a harder time dealing with her dad’s death than I did because she didn’t get closure. I will be praying for you. I am always here for you if you want to talk. My personal email is eacnovak@gmail.com

  3. Yes I have two children, my oldest is 21. He lives in another state in school. The other is a 14 year girl who lives at home. I will not lie when my husband died I focused on her. Now that she is older and starting high school she is becoming more independent. I cannot hold her back from growing up.

    My husbands death was not sudden; He died of lung cancer. By the time they found it, It was to late. He never had chemo, just rads for pain. So he made the choice to go into hospice and we spent the best 4 months of our relationship together.

    About having a man in my life.. I have spent so much time being someone’s “booty call” girlfriend, wife, mother; I just want to see what it is like to be by myself. The “PLAN” is to fill my life with travel,friends and family. A man does not fit in the plan.
    Thank you so much for your prayers….

    Look for my email… We should do a “hang out”

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