My thoughts on year three

Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.

Things I have done..

1- Sold the house

2- Moved twice

3- Smiled and laughed.

4- Got a job

I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.

Still growing!

Advertisements

Tired

of crying
of missing you
of wishing you were here
of feeling guilty because I gave you permission to go, that I cannot look at your pictures, I wish I said more to you. That I am still here living my life.
of knowing that I my heart is broken
of knowing I cannot do anything about it
of knowing I cannot fix this
of felling like I failed you
of feeling that I was not a better wife to you
of feeling I should have fought for you more
But..

No matter what you will still be a part of me, my life is forever changed because you came into it. And that really my grief will someday get better
But for now I just want to be sad and cry and question everything I did, and feel guilty about a lot of things. That no matter what I did or said the outcome would still be the same. That you would want me to be happy and live my life. That you felt I did fight for you and you trusted me

I have accepted that I am still broken; You always put me back together. I am not sure if I can do this on my own. I just wish you were here. We were suppose to grow old and fuss at each other. But you died; not because you wanted to, because for some other reason that I guess I am not suppose to know.

There is no good place to be. No place to feel safe. Everything is in limbo, slow motion.
It is just grief.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….

   
Yea O.K. whatever…..

                                                                           Is it O.K that I really could care less about Christmas?

Well I do not.

It took me forever to put up the tree this year. I did get some shopping done and there are gifts under the tree; but I am not in the mood. I will be happy when this is all over. I do plan on staying home for the holidays. Have no plans on cooking. I just really want to stay home.

You know that feeling when you are told something; it makes perfect sense. But you cannot make yourself do it so you just feel stuck?
Yep that is me.

But…..

I have had my eye on some Liz Claiborne bracelets; they are at Penny’s for 24.00 bucks a piece. I will see if I can pick me up a few.

So I am keeping  myself busy. Prevents me from having to think about crap.

Oh yea here is the tree.

image

Happy Holidays.

P.S. I say “holidays” because there are more things to celebrate other than Christmas this time of year. I respect everyone’s choices.

Stages of Grief…

image

Many are aware of the famous “Stages of grief” by Elizabeth Kubler- Ross. I found out that although she was correct, But the stages really have more with the person who is dying, rather than the people left behind. My sister disagrees with me. As I reading this, I can only imagine what my husband went through knowing he was dying. He knew what hospice was, he knew how it would end. One of the first times I saw him cry was the day the doctor, social worker told us that treatment was not an option because he was getting weaker, and it came down quality of life. I was on the phone with his cousin and I had to tell him that. I looked up and watched my strong husband break down in tears. It broke my heart.

I think he thought he would beat his cancer. He renewed his drivers license for 8 years in Jan 2011. I am pretty sure he was planning on being around to renew it in 2019.

So back to grief….

This was posted in an widows group I belong to, when dealing with grief of a love one.

1) Shock and caregiver burnout
2) Introspection and inspection of every intent, thought, and desire I have ever had
3) Serious cleanup of home, mind, heart, and spirit
4) Trying to figure out who I am
5) Trying to fix myself and my house
6) Examination of all of my relationships since I was born
7) Trying to join the rest of society
8) don’t know what comes next yet

Well I am mixed with all of them, but I am sitting solidly between 3-4. Care giving took a lot out of me. There was a lot that happened that a lot of people do not know about; late nights, bad dreams, and the time period when he woke up at 4am and stayed wake till 7am. The night he died, I went to bed surrounded by my sisters and sister in laws; I went to sleep, pretty much passed out. As I type this I really forgot what happened that weekend. My sister in law came by every day and brought food. I went out with my friend Melissa. We went to eat, and brought cuff links for my husband’s suit. Something about Melissa, Although there is the BIG fat elephant in a room, She has a great way of ignoring it and making me forget it also.

So when dealing with grief. On a widows board I belong on, I saw a post by a member who had a post called a Stages of widower dating; Here is what he wrote:

Stage 1: Not interested in dating. Too much grief and sadness
Stage 2: Loneliness but still see identity as married. Thus,
dating feels like cheating on our deceased spouse.
Stage 3: Realization that spouse is gone for good and so a
desire to date is allowed.
Stage 4: Sense of real freedom to date. Sees identity as
single and available.
Stage 5: Going on real dates. Even dating different people.
Stage 6: Decision to date one person exclusively.
Stage 7: Remarriage.

After some heartfelt thinking I have made up my mind I am at stage 1. Got a feeling I will be here for a while. I have fun, I laugh with my friends and family. I really have no desire to start dating much less getting remarried; I Been married two times, I do not feel 3rd time is the charm.