Chapter 2

The past few weeks have been hard. The last few days have been painful.. My daughter is battling a rare illness, work has been stressful and through it all my husband has been real heavy on my mind. But I feel I have turned corner in this process and to be honest I am not sure what to do or how to feel. This feels like uncharted waters and I am swimming in dark pool.

That is all I have to say…..

My thoughts on year three

Well here I am almost at my 3 year mark as a widow. It has been a long bumpy road, But in the past year I have started feeling better. Of course tears come, there are sad days when I wish he was here. Bu when I look back I feel I have been the person my husband would have wanted me to be. I keep my time with working, spending time with friends and family and of course school. I am planing two vacations for the summer and a few one or two day trips.

Things I have done..

1- Sold the house

2- Moved twice

3- Smiled and laughed.

4- Got a job

I wish I had some major refection about the last 3 years, But I really do not. I say to anyone who is a new widow(der) that the pain really does get better.

Still growing!

New widow

This season started a show called Downtown Abby. One character Mary lost her husband at the end of the last season. This season it is six moths later and Mary is still wearing black and not leaving the house. She has also paid little attention to her newborn baby.  It took her grandmother to give a kick her in the butt to get out and live the life without her husband.

In the end Mary entered a room full of men, and continued her husbands work

So I got a kick in the butt last week when my good friend got me out of the house and had me get my nails and eyebrows done. This was something I had not done in years. I have to admit I am happy that I have done it.

I guess it takes seeing yourself living as a shadow of yourself, to pull yourself out of it.

Living my life

One thing I am learning in this process is I cannot live my life like my husband is still in it.  As bad as this thought process hurts the statment is true. Any decisions I make will not affect him. I no longer have to think about what he will feel about a choice I make. I had to get myself out of what I call “couple thought process”.  I have to do what is good for my life now.

I am just hoping this new way of thinking will help me with the stuck feeling I have been feeling the past few months.  Between work and school it will be a distraction for me.

More dreams…..

A few nights ago, I had a dream my husband left me for another women. When I looked it up online it said Dreambible.com

The dream most likely reflects your feeling of abandonment.  It possibly also reflects your fear that in the afterlife he is doing something else.  The cheating in the dream most likely symbolizes your projection of him enjoying his new life without you.

It’s also possible that your husband cheating on you reflects your feelings of abandonment when you do things that he used to be involved with.  The constant reminders that he is no longer with you.

So I am not really crazy?? I really need to get past this..Image

My learning curve

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For the record my angry post still stands. As hard as I try, and pray I am still angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of the life I was suppose to have.

BUT as I type this I think….

Many times in my young life, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I have always said that in the past. Then something happened in my life that changed all of that. Not only did I get married once, I did it twice and had one child in each marriage. Both of my marriages and my children happened in my life when I was about to self destruct it. Both both men and the children grounded me. I grew up and became somewhat responsible adult.

Now at 42, the death of my husband has giving me another hard lesson, I still want to do a lot of the things I wanted to do in the past, But I am looking at it in a much different way than at 19 and 28. It is not about partying, but more about learning new things.

My plans are to travel aboard, This is something I have always wanted to. Travel aboard or even in the U.S is something my husband never wanted to do, He liked home and it felt safe to him. He just never had a desire to travel.

My thought process is my marriages and kids gave me lessons. It matured me, to make better choices in my life, So perhaps I will be able to do all the things I have always wanted to do.

So here I am….

Angry

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When I think about all the changes that has happen since my husband died, I often wonder how I did it. Yes they are positive ones, changes that will help me move on. This is a good thing Right?

No it is not…. I would not have to deal with the changes and this crap because he died. THAT IS THE TRUTH! We would still be living in our home, It would not be pending a sale. I would not have to in a attempt to downsize get rid of some of the things we loved the most. I can still have bar-a-q’s in the yard.

I am angry because I feel my life was stolen from me…. Now I have to find a way to pick up the broken pieces of my life and start over. THAT SUCKS! Should I be grateful that in life you do not get “do overs”, But it looks like I am given the chance, the hell with that I rather had the life I had before. Right now there is very little gratitude in my heart now because I am angry!

I just hope I get past this.