Count down!

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This is my mood for this month, It is almost like a count down to an impending blast. Just not a good feeling at all. I spend a lot of time on the phone talking because I just do not want to be alone with my thoughts. I am keeping busy for the same reason. Going to sleep is the worse part for me. I am forced to be alone in the dark and all my demons remind me of the day my life took a change that will effect me for the rest of my life. After all this time my life still feels “unsettled”.

But!! There have been victories. I have made it to a point that I can leave the house and not feel the need to get back home. The urge to put the things he only ate in the shopping cart went away. The house looks like he has never lived here. I kinda put my own fingerprint on it.

Funny thing, I use to always complain that he never took pictures. But in the mist of getting rid of things I am finding so many pictures of him. You see no grey hairs in some and some in others. Some extra pounds in a few. Bright smiles and some “You better not be taking this picture of me” pictures. I feel some guilt because I took our life together for granted. Mostly because I thought it would never end, that we would have at least another 20 – 30 years together you know that growing old together stuff. I can see it now;  me fussing about him eating to much ice cream and it not being good for his diabetes, and he telling me that he may have diabetes, but he does not have high blood pressure and I did.

But life did not work out that way.

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One thought on “Count down!

  1. I try to stay busy but having to stay at home because of surgery is making this so much harder. I too dread the night. Laying in bed alone is the worst feeling in the world. It has been two years for me and yet sleep will not come easily. One day maybe it will get better, but for now I will just hug a pillow and cry myself to sleep.

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