This Month is hard to say the least. Our birthdays are this month. We always thought is pretty cool we both had March birthdays, but for some reason unknown to me we never made a big deal out of it every year; We bought each other gifts and a cake or go out for dinner.
One year we had 1 party for the both of us. Lots of food friends and family; but although it was known that it was a birthday party we did not have birthday cake, to be honest that was fine because I hate being the center of attention.
Another year he gave me a surprise birthday party, I was turning 30 and had never had a birthday party in my life. I walked outside and there it was. A bunch of family and a cake with candles. I was completely thrown off he must have saw it on my face because he ran up and asked me if I was ok? Once I said yes, he told me you “need to smile then”.
He did have another birthday party, he was turning 49, He did try to add me into that mix, because we were planning a party for my 40th birthday; and he felt bad because I did not get to have it. But at the time I felt he needed this for himself. Now I regret that choice, because he face told me he was disappointed.
Now I focus on the kids and their birthdays as mines is really nothing but another day. The month of March depresses me, 42 came and went last week, with lots of birthday wishes one being from my son who at midnight wrote one of the greatest thing I ever read. He made it a great birthday for me.
I still deal with the guilt that my birthday goes on, and he will forever be 49. I feel guilty that god willing I will reach and pass 49, that he will never be able to say to me ” No matter how old you get you will never be older than me”. I know my guilt is unfounded and he would never want me to feel this way, but I cannot help it. I also know one day I will not feel this way. But floating in limbo is where I am right now.