Open House, Being lonely and a few other things

Yesterday was open house for my daughter’s school. She will be going to the 7th grade. About 2:45 we got in the truck and drove to the school; Everything went well. But this open house was different. Every year I would call my husband and tell him about her teachers and class rooms. Yesterday there was no one to share it with.
As I was walking in the school I almost started crying just thinking about it.

This leads to loneliness, I am feeling so alone today. I am worried about a lot of what if’s? I just do not understand. I am trying to do all he right things, Live my life right; But it is so hard. One of my Nieces told me to ” The devil is a lie, And tell him to go back where he came from. I am going to do that. I need to shake this feeling I have.

Today, I had to go to the bank, Not any bank but the only bank my husband and I had a joint account. It is near his home town. I needed to deposit a check that came in both our names. While I was down there I was going to see the family, and take some of my husbands clothes and give to his younger brother. As I was packing the clothes; I found myself starting to panic. Later while driving down the highway, I was holding back tears. Long story short, I never got the clothes to his brother.

I keep telling myself I just need to go to graveyard. I need to go there, lose my mind then I can get this whole process going. But I am just fooling myself, I know better. As it was brought to my attention, I did not have a chance to say goodbye. Even though I thought I said everything I needed to say to him, But I did not say goodbye. Perhaps If i go there I can tell him goodbye. One day….

Where many people look forward to the crisp days of fall, I am dreading them. The days are shorter, Less sunlight. More time in the house. Which means more time alone and more thinking; And of course the 2nd half of “The year of firsts” First thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. Then of course his and mines birthdays in march. I was planning on enjoying my 40’s. When I turn 41, I think I will just be sad. I do plan on doing some things this fall, Like walk in a lung cancer walk, near Atlanta. Helping my friend in her new house. and of course spend more time with my family. (all of them)

Well I am off to bed. Have a good one.

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