I want to learn to be a better cook. I want to learn to how to fix and experience food from other countries. I want to fix hot spicy foods that make you run to the bathroom. Foods with less processing. Foods that are rich with flavors; so rich that even the smell can make you taste them. Desserts that are light that make you close your eyes and throw your head back because it taste so good.
I saw in some movie, “When you keep doing the same thing; and keep getting the same result. Then try something different”. So I have started reading again. Right now I am reading “The Essence of Buddhism” I am hoping to gain some type of insight. One thing I want to learn is how to become less of a control freak. I have been told this twice, So I see it as not an asset but something I need to work on. I hope I can find some balance in my life without over doing it. I want to learn how to meditate. Clear my mind and allow whatever is good to flow in my mind to help me get through all of this. I just pray that I will be able to see when something bad comes in I have the courage to deal with it or push it out of mind
Yesterday, I dug out every piece of paper that was trash and piled it in bags and boxes. I feel the only way I can de clutter my mind, I have to de clutter my space. So I did. I discovered my life is just a journey filled with winding roads full of wholes, ditches or even some that are smooth and straight and cliffs to clime down from. Small and large streams of water to either jump over or have to wade through. During this 2nd part of my life, the road is full of walls. I just feel stuck; I do not know how to get around them. I do hope this will help.
This will be hardest. I Loved NO, still love my husband with my whole heart. At this point I do not think I could ever love anyone else. For now I will learn how to love myself. Teach myself I deserve to be happy. My husband always told me I was cheap to myself, How I would never spend a lot of money on clothes and getting my hair done. I always felt there would never be enough of money. The fact is, there will never be enough money. I just have to have a leap of faith. I think that is what this love is about.
At three in a half months, I have decided to stop counting. I just have to deal with each day as it comes. I had a goal, But the truth is it will not change anything. By trying to race towards it, does nothing but bring me pain. I been told to stop and smell the flowers, My husband always told me to “be still”. I guess I will listen now. I will be building that memorial garden to reflect. I will be turning the garage in to what he wanted, not as storage which is what it is now. He gave so much to me; He deserves so much more. I have to honor him, and keep going. I will still grieve, and cry everyday for him. The fact is he lived on this earth for 49 years The cancer and his death does and will not define him.
I love him so much, and I miss him even more.