A Letter to my husband

Dear Nard,

The day you left, was one of the worst days of my life. Watching your last days, hours and minutes were gut wrenching. I feel I was in some type of denial the months before; Then April 4th changed that, it was the day they told us you were actively dying, or your body was shutting down. Then I saw how much darker your nails were, How your body temp was cooler. Over the next few weeks, I watched you change right before my very eyes. From picking you up from the floor when you fell, To putting your airline back on when you took it off and Helping you get dressed. But, I was willing to take care of you for the rest of my life If I had to. I know sometimes you felt I was treating you like a child especially when Bubba, and Ant took you to the store for your last ride in the truck. I want you to know that I was worried, Hell bent on protecting you; I did not want you to catch some bug out in the street. But you came back, and you were fine.
The last week of your life, you stopped eating. Then on the forth day you sat up in bed and ate three forkful of rice. Even then you were worried about me because I had not eaten that day. You made me stop feeding you, and eat myself. I guess you knew I had no plans on eating that night. That night was the start of your “rally”. It lasted four days. During your rally, Pastor West came to see you; They prayed and sang songs for you. They officially made you a part of their flock that night. All I could do was cry because I knew these were your wishes and I was so grateful for what they were doing. That night you slept peacefully; Then on the 5th day you fell. Your rally was over. You stopped eating, Stopped using the bathroom. You could not sallow the few pills you had So I crushed them. So the Hospice doctor removed every thing but your pain meds. You stayed in bed sleeping all day. You told me you were no longer in pain. Then on the 29th you left. You closed your eyes and stop breathing. At that moment it felt like a cord snapped, That was the cord that held us together and it was broken. I cursed cancer, because it took you away from me, It cut that cord.

You and I were suppose to grow old together. Do you know that we only spent 1 year in the home we built together? Did you know that there is a finger print left by you by a livingroom window? I cannot wash it, or even paint over it. There is also a crack in the powder room door, and wall where you once fell. These I will not fix; They have your DNA. I have to leave a part of you here. This is just not fair. You will never turn 50, I guess it is mute that I was planning a big party for you. Guess that will not happen.

I am sorry that at times I doubted that you loved me. I am so grateful we had hospice, grateful that they gave us the time we spent together. I regret that we bickered a lot; So much that even outsiders felt that what we had was not real. They felt I took your death harder than they expected. I loved you, When you died part of me went with you. I feel very empty inside.

I am in shock some nights after dinner when I go upstairs. There is no reason to stay downstairs because you will not be walking through the door. I hate going to bed. I hate falling asleep, because the right before I doze off I know you will not be there when I wake up. I hate that I am not sharing the our bathroom anymore. I hate that I have to remove your name from the homeowners Insurance, The mortgage and the deed to the house. I hate that I am to scared to let your cell phone number go. I hate that I sometimes do not remember my dreams when you are in them. I hate that your life is over, and reduced to just memories. You will not see what all the kids are doing with their lives. For me that is the saddest part.

You were larger than life, and as hard as it is; I have to remember that. Your illness and death does not take away the 49 years of your life. I will still morn your death, But I know that one day I have to let it go. There were to many good times. Like the day I meet you, The day we got married. The day I woke up and knew I loved you. I have to remember those days. I have to tell my self you are fine, that you are with your Parents, My dad, Your grandmother, Your Aunt, and your friends. I know you are in a better place. I take comfort in that.

In closing, You were my soul mate, the love of my life. I considered it to be an honor to be your wife, and life partner. One day I will see you again. You will be playing cards, Look up and I will be walking towards you. But please forgive me when I say, That my job on earth is not done yet.

Missing you EVERY DAY
Your wife


3 thoughts on “A Letter to my husband

  1. Lynne – reading this post makes my heart hurt on so many levels – the raw truth of what you still must endure – the knowledge that some might have doubted the love you and Nard shared – but I take comfort in knowing that you know your truth. I am so sad for you that time has not yet lessend the lonliness of sleeping alone – of not seeing your man walk thru the door – I have not yet experienced such loss – but I feel it thru your words which are so pure and heartfelt. I want to hug you and tell you it’s going to be ok – but it isn’t going to be ok – not for a long time – but one day you will walk out into the sunshine and see that the air is clean and crisp and you will sense Nard with you – that moment will give you comfort to move forward….i lost my best friend to cancer -not the same as a husband – but close enough – I was there with her when she had her last breath and there is something so final, so still about that moment – like time standing still. It was a long time before I could get thru a day without thinking of her, sensing her presence with me – when I was dx’d with LC i felt her arms around me telling me it was ok – to fight like a bitch and beat the beast – but we all know the truth – we all know that the beast is stronger than any of us will ever be – I suppose I have to come to terms with that in my own life – I hope I can face my end with as much courage and grace as you and Nard did his. I will always feel like you are my family Lynne – you are loved – and for all the love and support you give freely from your own heart I am so very grateful.
    love karen

  2. I wish I had the eloquence of Karen in this reply, as she said it so very well. I am so deeply touched by the love you have, the pain you feel, and the uncertainty of your future. Know that you have many prayers of healing, strength and love heading your way. Keep sharing, my friend.

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