So much time as passed

Wow, I am still here. No it has not been easy and lord knows there has been a lot of bumps in the road. But I am still holding on. It has been almost 10 months. I really thought I would have been in a crazy house by now. I give credit to my family and friends for being there for me.

Here is a quick update

I am looking for a job, I think working will be a good change for me. The extra money will not to bad either! Till that happens, (and if everything pans out) I will be helping a friend. Great for updating my very old resume!

Ah! I renewed my drivers license… I was not happy with the picture. I really need to work on a better workout plan, better yet weight loss plan.

Finishing school is a plan that is in the works. I really need to get it done.

Today is the day of love.. LOL! I have decided to love myself today.

Will start posting more…

It is 2 am

Well as I type, It is 2:14am. I cannot sleep. As always nighttime is always the hardest time of the day for me. A close second is the thirty seconds after I wake up and find myself in the same nightmare I have been in for the past seven months. Never in my life would I have thought this would still hurt so bad. His things are still packed away and sitting in the garage. There are TONS of memories, But my fear is I may one day forget them as there is nothing that memorialize them. No wedding pictures, no vacation pictures and no just because pictures. I wish I had a real wedding or reception. I really miss him in spite of what we looked to everyone on the outside, we really did love each other. I now feel he may have love me more. I just feel we spent so much time trying to get the last word, I regret this.

As I look around my home I slowly see the few traces of my husband slowly disappear. the clothes which he took lots of pride in his appearance are no longer in our closet. Now it seems very empty in spite of my attempts to make it full. The bathroom that was ALWAYS full of his things all over the counter are all gone because he refused to put them under the sink, I replaced it with a plant. The hair clipping that were EVERYWHERE, will never be there again. His socks that for some reason he NEVER put in the hamper, are no longer all over the house. To be honest I gave up of trying to fill the void, there is no reason to try any more. It will not take away my loneliness, or the fact that I feel robbed and the fact that JUST when were reaching all of our goals he dies. I hate being alone with my thoughts. It forces me to see my reality, the reality that I really try so hard not to harp on, or use as a crutch. He is dead and I cannot call him to argue, to fuss, to give him the evil eye when he walks through the door. I cannot even beg him to come back. Bottom line he will not.

For years I use to beg him to take pictures of himself; He would never do it. Now, what I have are the pictures that were provided by hospice. It reminds me of a husband who was slipping away. I am very much grateful for this because I know he only did this for me. It breaks my heart that I have very few as him healthy. Our daughter as one that she had “stolen” we were at wild adventures waiting in line. I called him to look in our direction and she took a picture. The funny thing is he was not happy about it, but the best thing is the picture showed the person he was. She now has that picture in a frame in her room. That is awesome!

Today I done something I have never done before, I sprayed his cologne in our room. Lord this man would overdo with it, and I never was to crazy about it but I needed to smell him again. As I lay in bed I can still smell it as it lingers in the air, it was the sent our room always was. It is almost like he is here; But I understand my reality, as painful as it is.

When I think about the 12 years I spent with him, I cannot help to think that all the fussing we did was so dumb. I understand that just was our dynamic. He hated ceiling fans, dishwashers, and sweet smells and wasted no time telling me so, oddly enough it was the few things I could not live without. I hated loud music, crowds, and I am somewhat inverted even around people I know. My husband was loud, cussed and often talked over all the loud music he was playing. (insert chuckle here) He loved his family and friends and loved being around them. I am and very liberal left wing democratic, where was a very conservative southern democratic. Many of our battles were about values, moral issues, the importance of religion and the “wants” vs the “needs” for ourselves and other people. Very odd that we were so different, so much in love. We spent so much time trying to get the last word. When we should been telling each other how much we cared for each other. On the other side we always took care of each other. We always took care of each other. One thing I know is he fully trusted me, and I him. I knew that no mater what he ALWAYS had my back, and I had his. The last words he said to me before he died was to get a wheelchair because he knew he was about to collapse. Even then he was looking out for me, My heart breaks as I type this.

My husband in a nutshell drove me nuts, But it does not not take away that I really did love him. It really miss him so much. I wish he was here. But my reality is that he will not be coming back. He is here with me in spirit and I have learned so much from him..

No change

 

I thought at this point, things would be better. It seeams like everytime I get ahead I fall three steps back. This whole greiving process is hard and is even harder when the normal things in life come up. Money is tight, very tight. I worry about it all the time. A few days ago I wrecked my truck. I feel like nothing is working, I am trying, I sit around and try to find the answers, but the are not there.
I am not asking for life to perfect, just some the larger worries I have in my life to settle; well to settle they way I need it to. Prehaps that is way to much to ask.

So ends that pity party.(for now)

I have been reading a lot; My kindle use to sit collecting dust. Not any more. I enjoy losing myself in someone else’s life.
Anything that helps me escape mines. Movies also helps me to escape also. Getting back to the things I use to do.

I have been tap dancing and looking in path that many take when they feel lost. The first step to this is to be silent, no talking. no writing. I plan on trying this, IN SPITE of my doctor and my very good friend Medricks says. I need to find a balance then perhaps the rest of it will just fall into place.

Who knows? I just may find the answers, or I should try shutting up and opening my eyes and see it.

#Shrugs her shoulders#

Thanksgiving Holidays

Next week is Thanksgiving. By now Nard and I would be planning the meal, and also finding who house we will crash to eat. I do not feel like going anywhere. Most of it is from when I walk through the door at anyone’s house It will be a reminder that the person they grew up with, raised played with as a child is gone. I really do not want to but anyone through that. It will be hard enough next summer when I attend his/our family reunion. I did not think it would be this hard, but it is.

I spend more time than I will like crying. Yesterday while I was driving in the streets of Savannah, I bawled like a baby. I really hating my life right now.

On the flip side of this, I am have a lot to be thankful for this year. My kids are healthy as I am. Now life is not perfect as I would like it to be. I am dealing with a lot of bumps in the road right now. To be honest I feel like everything is falling apart. In spite of all of that I am still here.

Stay strong for the kids, That is what I am trying to do right now. If I fall apart then everything else will also.

I will be starting a YouTube channel soon, I will post the link to it when it is set up.

Yes, it has been a while

I noticed it has been a few weeks since my last post. To start my daughter we found out she had a very serious medical problem that required her to have a spinal tap, and is taking medication to correct the issue. I am very blessed to have all the doctors involved who saw the problem and acted very quickly.

the eye doctor, Dr. James Treston at our local walmart see the issue, and recommend she go see a specialist right away.

The specialist, Dr. Ronald Dandy of Chatham Eye to have us sit in his office until he spoke to the neurologist and her PCP.
Her PCP, Dr. Linda Winders, Georgia Pediatrics who called many times, checking on her, and had her staff to get her to see the neurologist right away

The Neurologist, Dr Eric Perelman. Who cracks jokes and made the spinal tap go very easy.

Last but not least my family, you all know who you are.. there are so many of you I will be here all day posting.

OK

I also I had my knee surgery, ACL replacement, . Something I promised my husband I would do. Right now I am still recovering from that Once again my family and friends, (my friends who are also my extended family) Thank you all for helping me when I complained about pain, fed me, sat with me on the phone when I was board out of my mind…

My son, Who has been calling me, but I am not sure, but he keeps telling me I have not been answering the phone, Sorry Tom, When I am done I am sending you a text message. I am doing ok, do not worry. Just go to school and stay warm. I hope you bought a coat.

A week ago I reached the 6 month mark, It is a milestone. I am assuming the shock has worn off, because I have been really been upset the fast few weeks. It blows my mind because the summer is over, and he has missed that. His daughter is in band, and chorus. She is starting her portfolio so she can get in a magnet middle school for the arts. He is missing that also.

Well I have some paper work to take care of. so I am signing off.

PS.

This month is Lung cancer awareness month, wear you white pearls this month. Know You do NOT have to be a smoker to get lung cancer, You can ANY age and have have lung cancer. Lung cancer kills more people than any other cancer combined. My husband lived only 6 months after being diagnosed. But he lived a very full six months.

Honor Thy Husband

As women esp modern progressive women often do not want this part in their wedding vows, Along with the obey. As a matter of fact the obey part were not in mines. But marriages that last 40+ years, have them in a part of their vows and throughout their whole marriage. In hindsight I wish I completely understood this concept while my husband was still alive.
When my then future husband and I went to courthouse to get our marriage license; The idea of changing my name was scary, and I did not really saw it as important. But my husband gave me this look and so added his last name on the line that said “brides new surname”. The weeks after we got married he kept asking me if I had went to the DMV to have my name changed on my drivers license? After about two months; He claimed he needed to get a recent copy of his MVR, and for me to grab a copy of our marriage license and take a ride with him. At this point I knew gig was up. It felt funny to hand over my drivers license and marriage license. I watched the clerk type some stuff in her computer; take my old license and put it a drawer; and told me they will call me after it was printed. In a matter om minutes the name I had for years was gone.

The same issue goes for my wedding rings I never wore them, Mostly because I have high blood pressure and my hands were swollen. Now since he has died I wear them everyday and I still have high blood pressure. I feel bad about this because he had to die for me to honor something so important.

After this post I plan to go to the social security office to legally change my name. I will also change my name on my bank accounts, credit cards, Insurance; everything. It was important to my husband that I have his last mane. So I will honor this and him by doing it.

The Grill

This weekend was my nephews 6th birthday. So I pulled the grill out and cooked burgers and hot dogs. The kids had fun with water balloons and playing in the sprinklers. It took us three tries to get it lit and stay lit. On the third try my sister, sister in law and I decided we needed Nard needed to step in and keep the grill lit. It stayed lit. Burned for hours.

It was bittersweet….

It took Nard a whole weekend to build that grill. He and his cousin built it from sheets of metal. I remember thinking, There is NO way we will need that much grill space. Heck that grill was always full of meat. Many weekends full of family and fun and of course the food.

In a few weeks, I am going to buy some ribs, and try to make them myself. It will be a part of the process of moving on.